Things have progressed quickly, in all the wrong ways. On Monday, my diastolic blood pressure was over 100 and my doctor decided to place me on anti-hypertensive medications. The protein in my urine had increased significantly by my appointment on Tuesday, at which point he said I needed to begin my medical leave and spend the majority my day in bed, laying on my left side. I was given orders for a 24-hour urine collection and he began talking about inducing me early. I had still not dilated at all, was having only minor irregular contractions, and she had not yet dropped.
On bed rest, my blood pressure stabilized for a day or so, but has been creeping back up. My 24-hour urine test came back significantly elevated. Another non-stress test on Thursday was generally normal, but took a while because she was sluggish. At this point, despite being a little early and showing no clear signs of labor, he decided it was best we cut our losses and scheduled me for an induction. I am scheduled to arrive at the hospital tonight at midnight.
I can't help but draw the parallels between how this pregnancy began and how it will likely end. Scheduled. Not-spontaneous. With my body not cooperating.
My doctor warned us to brace for a long labor since we are starting from square one. He discussed the slightly increased complications of poor lung development given that we haven't made it completely to term and the higher complication of possible cesarean delivery if my body continues to be non-cooperative. Aside from these risks, I am hopeful that we will be welcoming a healthy baby girl into this world in the next 24-36 hours. There is a sense of calmness and separateness as we each make final preparations before heading to the hospital. Here we go...
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Friday, October 31, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Day by Day
My health has continued to be slightly problematic, seemingly just enough to keep me on my toes and add on a whole bunch of extra appointments and tests.
On Tuesday, I had an ultra-sound to assess Beuhla's growth. I was actually sort of happy about this because it seemed like everyone and their mother had something to say about "how I'm looking." In the same day, people would tell me how big I looked (when did that become socially acceptable?!?!?), ask if I were carrying twins, told me that I still looked small and that I had a long ways to go, and told me that it looked like I was dropping and it would be any day now. It seems like everyone is a gynecologist now, and it's frickin' annoying! So I was happy to get some objective data and be able to shut people up.
The actual ultrasound was a little disappointing because she is so big that the images weren't very clear and she insisted on covering up her face the whole time with her arm, although I was amused by her chubby little arm and hand. Mostly, I'm beyond caring about ultrasound images at this point and am just ready to meet her in real life. The good news is that she is measuring right on track, maybe a day or two ahead. I'm focusing on the "right on track" part of the message, because there is so much variance with those things. They predicted that she is 7 pounds, 5 ounces - plus or minus a pound. A pound! That's huge variability! Like I said, I'm focusing on the normal part of the results and not trying to guess birth weights at this point.
On Thursday, I had my 37-week appointment. My blood pressure had risen again, my ankles were already swollen at 9am, and there was protein in my urine. This bought me a ticket for some blood work, an order for a non-stress-test, and a conversation about the possibility of being induced early if my health continues to decline. Luckily, her heart rate continues to be pretty stable around the 130-140s and she is still in a good position with her head down. He was slightly disappointed in the internal exam to learn that I am not yet dilated at all.
On Friday, I had the non-stress test. The name is ironic to me because any extra testing that may indicate fetal distress is clearly causing me some stress, even if it's meant to be non-invasive and not stressful for her. Basically, I had to lay down for about thirty minutes while there was continuous monitoring of Beuhla's heart rate and any movements or contractions. The worst part was the discomfort of laying still for that long and some boredom. Actually, the worst part was probably the stress leading up to it and trying to figure out how to re-schedule my entire Friday afternoon of patients to fit in this last-minute appointment.
The conclusion of the test was that "she looks happy." I'm sure there are better medical conclusions, but it helps me to focus on the overall simple message - healthy baby. Then, he took my blood pressure again... and it was high, again. So the moral of the story, so far at least, is that my daughter appears perfectly healthy and content, but my own body and health are not nearly as promising.
I am returning for additional testing, a biophysical profile ultra-sound, on Monday and then another OB visit on Tuesday. C and my mother are monitoring my blood pressure from home three times per day. Basically, at this point, we're just taking it day by day. I am reassured that she continues to be healthy and nearly full term, so if the worse case scenario now is early induction I am working on accepting this as a possibility. C hasn't taken his nursing licensing exam yet, is in the middle of a review course that we paid substantial money for, and I am feverishly trying to wrap up several big things at work; but, aside from this, we are ready and there are far worse possibilities and outcomes.
Day by day is my new motto.
On Tuesday, I had an ultra-sound to assess Beuhla's growth. I was actually sort of happy about this because it seemed like everyone and their mother had something to say about "how I'm looking." In the same day, people would tell me how big I looked (when did that become socially acceptable?!?!?), ask if I were carrying twins, told me that I still looked small and that I had a long ways to go, and told me that it looked like I was dropping and it would be any day now. It seems like everyone is a gynecologist now, and it's frickin' annoying! So I was happy to get some objective data and be able to shut people up.
The actual ultrasound was a little disappointing because she is so big that the images weren't very clear and she insisted on covering up her face the whole time with her arm, although I was amused by her chubby little arm and hand. Mostly, I'm beyond caring about ultrasound images at this point and am just ready to meet her in real life. The good news is that she is measuring right on track, maybe a day or two ahead. I'm focusing on the "right on track" part of the message, because there is so much variance with those things. They predicted that she is 7 pounds, 5 ounces - plus or minus a pound. A pound! That's huge variability! Like I said, I'm focusing on the normal part of the results and not trying to guess birth weights at this point.
On Thursday, I had my 37-week appointment. My blood pressure had risen again, my ankles were already swollen at 9am, and there was protein in my urine. This bought me a ticket for some blood work, an order for a non-stress-test, and a conversation about the possibility of being induced early if my health continues to decline. Luckily, her heart rate continues to be pretty stable around the 130-140s and she is still in a good position with her head down. He was slightly disappointed in the internal exam to learn that I am not yet dilated at all.
On Friday, I had the non-stress test. The name is ironic to me because any extra testing that may indicate fetal distress is clearly causing me some stress, even if it's meant to be non-invasive and not stressful for her. Basically, I had to lay down for about thirty minutes while there was continuous monitoring of Beuhla's heart rate and any movements or contractions. The worst part was the discomfort of laying still for that long and some boredom. Actually, the worst part was probably the stress leading up to it and trying to figure out how to re-schedule my entire Friday afternoon of patients to fit in this last-minute appointment.
The conclusion of the test was that "she looks happy." I'm sure there are better medical conclusions, but it helps me to focus on the overall simple message - healthy baby. Then, he took my blood pressure again... and it was high, again. So the moral of the story, so far at least, is that my daughter appears perfectly healthy and content, but my own body and health are not nearly as promising.
I am returning for additional testing, a biophysical profile ultra-sound, on Monday and then another OB visit on Tuesday. C and my mother are monitoring my blood pressure from home three times per day. Basically, at this point, we're just taking it day by day. I am reassured that she continues to be healthy and nearly full term, so if the worse case scenario now is early induction I am working on accepting this as a possibility. C hasn't taken his nursing licensing exam yet, is in the middle of a review course that we paid substantial money for, and I am feverishly trying to wrap up several big things at work; but, aside from this, we are ready and there are far worse possibilities and outcomes.
Day by day is my new motto.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Health Threats
Ebola has come to Cleveland. Well, not technically, but it might as well have. A nurse from Texas spent a few days in northeast Ohio and then flew back out of the Cleveland airport with a mild fever that progressed into a higher fever by the following day and then she tested positive when back in Texas.
The entire city is in complete panic mode. Schools have shut down on account of a teacher who may have flown in the same plane, although not the same flight. Stores, banks, and churches have all closed their doors. The media can talk of nothing else.
The hospitals are on high alert, with CDC meetings and email alerts and protocols and distribution of PPE (personal protective equipment). Despite this, hospital business continued as usual. I entered the hospital and met with my scheduled patients, children with a reputation for being carrying germs. I did my job.
Internally, my mind was on my own health. I had just come from my 36-week appointment and again the concern was raised with my swollen ankles, moderately high blood pressure, and now small amounts of protein in my urine. This all adds up to returning concerns of preeclampsia, although no symptom was high enough for drastic measures and instead we're back to increased monitoring.
Ironically, the panic of the city over a significant threat that I have minimal control over has helped me to remain calm of my more realistic personal threat. They are both largely out of my control. I am doing everything in my power to minimize my risks, but short of putting myself in isolation and/or bed-rest, I need to carry on. I follow the recommendations of the experts and then I continue to live my life. Panicking never did anyone any good.
The entire city is in complete panic mode. Schools have shut down on account of a teacher who may have flown in the same plane, although not the same flight. Stores, banks, and churches have all closed their doors. The media can talk of nothing else.
The hospitals are on high alert, with CDC meetings and email alerts and protocols and distribution of PPE (personal protective equipment). Despite this, hospital business continued as usual. I entered the hospital and met with my scheduled patients, children with a reputation for being carrying germs. I did my job.
Internally, my mind was on my own health. I had just come from my 36-week appointment and again the concern was raised with my swollen ankles, moderately high blood pressure, and now small amounts of protein in my urine. This all adds up to returning concerns of preeclampsia, although no symptom was high enough for drastic measures and instead we're back to increased monitoring.
Ironically, the panic of the city over a significant threat that I have minimal control over has helped me to remain calm of my more realistic personal threat. They are both largely out of my control. I am doing everything in my power to minimize my risks, but short of putting myself in isolation and/or bed-rest, I need to carry on. I follow the recommendations of the experts and then I continue to live my life. Panicking never did anyone any good.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Clam Bake Baby Shower
The shower was a success, despite some initial confusion from the invite over if it was actually a shower or just a clam bake. With my very large family and it being co-ed, we were prepared for a large gathering and it turned out to be just that. Approximately 60 people came, from most areas of my life.
We served the traditional clam bake meal - a dozen clams, chicken, fresh corn on the cob, and sweet potatoes. There was also salad and cornbread muffins with honey butter.
The appetizers were plentiful, clam chowder was served early, and the dessert table was massive. I had requested a german chocolate cake, which was ordered from an ethnic bakery and was to die for. It was still moist and delicious the next day and may have been all I ate for that entire weekend.
My sister had made a diaper cake and as an optional game, we had people guess the number of diapers used to create the cake. It was entertaining to see how both the males and females got so into guessing and trying to analyze the cake.
So many of our family and friends brought us such wonderful gifts. It was overwhelming to see the large pile. When it came time to open up the gifts, we reassured everyone that it was completely optional and then the party pretty quickly separated into the women following us inside for the gift-opening and the men staying outside with the booze and appetizers. I heard afterwards that they had their own share of fun while we were engaged inside.
To break up the gift-opening, we played a game in which we divided the room into two teams (pink and yellow). In between every 1-2 gifts, my sister would read a little story about either C or I as babies or toddlers and the teams would take turns trying to guess who the story about was about. It was actually really funny to hear them discussing their reasoning and everyone seemed very entertained by our stories (turns out, C was quite the trouble-maker as a child and I got into my fair share of mischief as well...).
Overall, the day was very long but very much a success. Many people stayed well into the evening and it seemed like everyone had a good time. I was happy that it seemed like just the right amount of baby shower, but definitely tended more towards Clam Bake and Party. Plus, now that it is over, we are much farther along in being prepared for our little to arrive.
We served the traditional clam bake meal - a dozen clams, chicken, fresh corn on the cob, and sweet potatoes. There was also salad and cornbread muffins with honey butter.
The appetizers were plentiful, clam chowder was served early, and the dessert table was massive. I had requested a german chocolate cake, which was ordered from an ethnic bakery and was to die for. It was still moist and delicious the next day and may have been all I ate for that entire weekend.
My sister had made a diaper cake and as an optional game, we had people guess the number of diapers used to create the cake. It was entertaining to see how both the males and females got so into guessing and trying to analyze the cake.
So many of our family and friends brought us such wonderful gifts. It was overwhelming to see the large pile. When it came time to open up the gifts, we reassured everyone that it was completely optional and then the party pretty quickly separated into the women following us inside for the gift-opening and the men staying outside with the booze and appetizers. I heard afterwards that they had their own share of fun while we were engaged inside.
To break up the gift-opening, we played a game in which we divided the room into two teams (pink and yellow). In between every 1-2 gifts, my sister would read a little story about either C or I as babies or toddlers and the teams would take turns trying to guess who the story about was about. It was actually really funny to hear them discussing their reasoning and everyone seemed very entertained by our stories (turns out, C was quite the trouble-maker as a child and I got into my fair share of mischief as well...).
Overall, the day was very long but very much a success. Many people stayed well into the evening and it seemed like everyone had a good time. I was happy that it seemed like just the right amount of baby shower, but definitely tended more towards Clam Bake and Party. Plus, now that it is over, we are much farther along in being prepared for our little to arrive.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
34 Weeks
34 weeks today. Six weeks to go. Time is a funny thing. Six weeks simultaneously feels both so short and also so long. Our joint calendar looks a little silly. September and October are full, little dots on almost every day with different appointments and engagements and to-dos. Then in November, there are no dots designating plans. The calendar is empty. Our life as we know it ends. We don't know exactly what to expect, but we're both prepared that it will be life-altering.
The fatigue has continued to be my biggest symptom, sometimes feeling nearly unbearable. Pair this with the many nights of pure insomnia, the kind where you lie awake pondering the meaning of life because you're brain has no intention of turning off, and I am often irritable and frustrated. On these days, my whole body feels sore and achey and my eyelids feel extra heavy. My feet continue to swell by the end of many days, but I have officially given up on professional work shoes and have found that wearing tennis shoes to work has been very helpful for this symptom. Heartburn, indigestion, and an occasional racing heart are also still present.
My little girl is relatively active, but not usually in a distracting way. I tell people that she moves around just enough to let me know that she's doing well, but it is not obtrusive. She tends to prefer to hang out my right side, which annoys me a little because I'd prefer symmetry. Today, her heart rate was approximately 150 bpm and all of my vitals were good. There are often times in the day where she positions herself in such a way that I feel all of my internal organs being smushed, breathing becomes painful, and I seriously question how she can possibly get any bigger. Then, I look in the mirror or down at my belly and remind myself that I still don't look that big. People have started making comments about how it looks like I could have her any day now and I get annoyed by this. I don't feel that I look this way yet and am most definitely not yet waddling (most of the time).
My weight is up approximately 30-32 pounds, depending on the day. This is more than I would have originally liked and more than is technically recommended considering I started off in the "overweight" category, but my doctor is fine with it and, surprisingly, I am too. Mostly, I've just accepted that it is what it is and I'll worry about it later. I do often still fantasize about developing a healthy eating and exercise plan once the baby is born. Fantasize is the key word here because in my current state of exhaustion and discomfort I can't possibly imagine starting anything like this now. I think this is also why acceptance of my weight gain is also so easy. I can't imagine doing anything different anyways. I only sometimes get upset when my face looks fat at certain angles and I did nearly cry on the day of our baby shower when I attempted to put on my wedding ring after months of avoiding this and it didn't even fit over my knuckle. Otherwise, my body image is alright. I have developed numerous stretch marks across my abdomen, a few small ones on my hips, and even a couple on my breasts; surprisingly, these don't upset me in the least.
Baby preparations have made huge strides in the past two weeks, thanks largely to two separate baby showers that I will talk about more specifically later on. We have our lamaze class this weekend. I still want to sign up for the "baby basics" and "breast-feeding basics" classes, but otherwise the logistical and physical preparation is nearing completion. The mental preparation is another story and probably nearly impossible. How can you possible mentally prepare for your world to change in such a dramatic and life-altering way?
The fatigue has continued to be my biggest symptom, sometimes feeling nearly unbearable. Pair this with the many nights of pure insomnia, the kind where you lie awake pondering the meaning of life because you're brain has no intention of turning off, and I am often irritable and frustrated. On these days, my whole body feels sore and achey and my eyelids feel extra heavy. My feet continue to swell by the end of many days, but I have officially given up on professional work shoes and have found that wearing tennis shoes to work has been very helpful for this symptom. Heartburn, indigestion, and an occasional racing heart are also still present.
My little girl is relatively active, but not usually in a distracting way. I tell people that she moves around just enough to let me know that she's doing well, but it is not obtrusive. She tends to prefer to hang out my right side, which annoys me a little because I'd prefer symmetry. Today, her heart rate was approximately 150 bpm and all of my vitals were good. There are often times in the day where she positions herself in such a way that I feel all of my internal organs being smushed, breathing becomes painful, and I seriously question how she can possibly get any bigger. Then, I look in the mirror or down at my belly and remind myself that I still don't look that big. People have started making comments about how it looks like I could have her any day now and I get annoyed by this. I don't feel that I look this way yet and am most definitely not yet waddling (most of the time).
My weight is up approximately 30-32 pounds, depending on the day. This is more than I would have originally liked and more than is technically recommended considering I started off in the "overweight" category, but my doctor is fine with it and, surprisingly, I am too. Mostly, I've just accepted that it is what it is and I'll worry about it later. I do often still fantasize about developing a healthy eating and exercise plan once the baby is born. Fantasize is the key word here because in my current state of exhaustion and discomfort I can't possibly imagine starting anything like this now. I think this is also why acceptance of my weight gain is also so easy. I can't imagine doing anything different anyways. I only sometimes get upset when my face looks fat at certain angles and I did nearly cry on the day of our baby shower when I attempted to put on my wedding ring after months of avoiding this and it didn't even fit over my knuckle. Otherwise, my body image is alright. I have developed numerous stretch marks across my abdomen, a few small ones on my hips, and even a couple on my breasts; surprisingly, these don't upset me in the least.
Baby preparations have made huge strides in the past two weeks, thanks largely to two separate baby showers that I will talk about more specifically later on. We have our lamaze class this weekend. I still want to sign up for the "baby basics" and "breast-feeding basics" classes, but otherwise the logistical and physical preparation is nearing completion. The mental preparation is another story and probably nearly impossible. How can you possible mentally prepare for your world to change in such a dramatic and life-altering way?
Friday, September 12, 2014
Anxiety
Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a dramatic increase in anxiety with myself. It is usually very situationally specific, but then turns quickly into a near panic attack. Luckily, my coping skills are enough to keep it at bay without becoming full-blown panic, but the sensations are unpleasant to say the least.
I first noticed it last Friday when C was driving us home from a work event during a torrential rain. We were leaving downtown at the same time as a sporting event was getting done, so traffic was bad. The rain was horrendous. My breaks need fixed soon, and I could only focus on this and then having flashbacks to the accident I was in a few weeks ago, which also occurred in a mildly rainy and traffic situation. I made it home by only looking out the side window (so I couldn't see the break lights) and holding on to cars' door handle so hard that my hands were sore the next day.
I had a similar reaction when C was driving me to the airport yesterday. Again, it was during rush-hour and the there was a slight drizzle. I couldn't even maintain a conversation. I should probably mention that C is a very capable driver and I have never been in an accident with him.
Then, last night, I was watching the news and saw the Obama speech and the subsequent commentary on Isis. I began to panic that a) we will be raising a daughter in what is seeming like an especially unstable time in our global history**, and b) I have to fly back home in two days and there are a lot of talks about the possibility of attacks here. Then I began to get immensely panicky that I was in a hotel by myself and desperately wanted to C here to comfort me. Needless to say, it was not my best night of sleep.
I have read that anxiety can be increased during pregnancy. One of my friends actually began taking an SSRI due to significant and unmanageable anxiety. I didn't fully appreciate this until now. Currently, my anxiety is very specific and controlled. I plan to continue monitoring this closely and take action if it starts to generalize or become impairing. In the meanwhile, I'm chalking this up to another lovely symptom of harboring a life.
**As an aside, I have heard that parenthood makes you view world events from a more personal standpoint and I have been questioning my increased sensitivity to the many global crises. I feel like I need a reality check - Is this an especially unstable time or am I being extra-sensitive and forgetting about the similar events in our recent history???
I first noticed it last Friday when C was driving us home from a work event during a torrential rain. We were leaving downtown at the same time as a sporting event was getting done, so traffic was bad. The rain was horrendous. My breaks need fixed soon, and I could only focus on this and then having flashbacks to the accident I was in a few weeks ago, which also occurred in a mildly rainy and traffic situation. I made it home by only looking out the side window (so I couldn't see the break lights) and holding on to cars' door handle so hard that my hands were sore the next day.
I had a similar reaction when C was driving me to the airport yesterday. Again, it was during rush-hour and the there was a slight drizzle. I couldn't even maintain a conversation. I should probably mention that C is a very capable driver and I have never been in an accident with him.
Then, last night, I was watching the news and saw the Obama speech and the subsequent commentary on Isis. I began to panic that a) we will be raising a daughter in what is seeming like an especially unstable time in our global history**, and b) I have to fly back home in two days and there are a lot of talks about the possibility of attacks here. Then I began to get immensely panicky that I was in a hotel by myself and desperately wanted to C here to comfort me. Needless to say, it was not my best night of sleep.
I have read that anxiety can be increased during pregnancy. One of my friends actually began taking an SSRI due to significant and unmanageable anxiety. I didn't fully appreciate this until now. Currently, my anxiety is very specific and controlled. I plan to continue monitoring this closely and take action if it starts to generalize or become impairing. In the meanwhile, I'm chalking this up to another lovely symptom of harboring a life.
**As an aside, I have heard that parenthood makes you view world events from a more personal standpoint and I have been questioning my increased sensitivity to the many global crises. I feel like I need a reality check - Is this an especially unstable time or am I being extra-sensitive and forgetting about the similar events in our recent history???
Friday, August 29, 2014
11 Weeks... to go.
I had lunch with a colleague this week who is 36 weeks pregnant. She reports that her OB has begun doing internal checks and she is already showing some effacement and dilation. She told me that this made her feel a little sad, as she's not sure she's "ready to not be pregnant" yet. She likes being pregnant.
I am not one of those people.
My goal of infertility treatments was never to be pregnant, it was to have a baby. From the stories I've heard, I have not had a very difficult pregnancy by far. But I wouldn't go so far as to call it enjoyable.
I think I was secretly hoping that what they say about the second trimester being so much better than the other two wouldn't apply to me. It turns out that I am very stereotypical. Up until a last week, my "bad hours/days" were far outnumbered by the "good days/hours." Now, my sleep is disrupted significantly nearly every night, making my days a constant fight against ever-increasing fatigue in an effort to continue being a productive working member of society. Interestingly, the disruption is different every night. It's like trying to plug a water leak with your finger - every time I figure out how to manage one set of symptoms, another pop up.
I had several nights of not being able to get comfortable and find a good position, but getting a pregnancy body pillow has helped with that overall. Intermittently, the heartburn still takes over and will keep me sitting vertically for half the night. Then there was the night that I felt itchy all over and started feeling a little psychotic that there were bed bugs biting me. When I do fall asleep easily, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with horrible leg cramps. And finally, I am still prone to getting pretty nasty bloody noses right before bed, which requires a good half-hour of care to keep it at bay.
I know, cognitively, that the best place for our baby to be right now is in my body. She is not ready to be born and will be much better off with some more time to grow in this nurturing environment. I truly want was is best for her. However, if some new science came out to convince me that she would be considered full-term by next week, her birth weight would be six pounds, and she would be fully developed enough to not require any medical intervention... heck yes I would want this pregnancy to be over!
I am not one of those people.
My goal of infertility treatments was never to be pregnant, it was to have a baby. From the stories I've heard, I have not had a very difficult pregnancy by far. But I wouldn't go so far as to call it enjoyable.
I think I was secretly hoping that what they say about the second trimester being so much better than the other two wouldn't apply to me. It turns out that I am very stereotypical. Up until a last week, my "bad hours/days" were far outnumbered by the "good days/hours." Now, my sleep is disrupted significantly nearly every night, making my days a constant fight against ever-increasing fatigue in an effort to continue being a productive working member of society. Interestingly, the disruption is different every night. It's like trying to plug a water leak with your finger - every time I figure out how to manage one set of symptoms, another pop up.
I had several nights of not being able to get comfortable and find a good position, but getting a pregnancy body pillow has helped with that overall. Intermittently, the heartburn still takes over and will keep me sitting vertically for half the night. Then there was the night that I felt itchy all over and started feeling a little psychotic that there were bed bugs biting me. When I do fall asleep easily, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with horrible leg cramps. And finally, I am still prone to getting pretty nasty bloody noses right before bed, which requires a good half-hour of care to keep it at bay.
I know, cognitively, that the best place for our baby to be right now is in my body. She is not ready to be born and will be much better off with some more time to grow in this nurturing environment. I truly want was is best for her. However, if some new science came out to convince me that she would be considered full-term by next week, her birth weight would be six pounds, and she would be fully developed enough to not require any medical intervention... heck yes I would want this pregnancy to be over!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Balance
Yesterday, I woke up still exhausted after a night of disturbing dreams, cramping legs, and an inability to get comfortable. I had great expectations for accomplishing things, but felt too tired and crabby to begin any tasks. As I was sitting there in a funk, C reminded asked me how many Saturdays we had left before a newborn would be relying on us for every. single. need. The answer (assuming baby comes exactly as planned...): Eleven.
Two of those Saturdays will be consumed with baby showers, one with a wedding, and another one I will be out of town at a conference. So, in reality, the number of Saturdays that I have to wake up when I want to, sip my coffee in silence, and enjoy mindlessly watching HGTV until I am fully awake and alert: Seven. And then my life will be forever changed and my Saturday mornings will probably never look the same again.
With his unspoken encouragement, I allowed myself to be a little crabby. I turned on the TV to a home-remodeling show and enjoyed sipping my coffee. I enjoyed the silence and I enjoyed the selfishness in my Saturday morning routine with a greater appreciation.
We wanted this for a long time. We spent many years and thousands of dollars working towards this goal. There were many days that my life was consumed by the task of having a baby. But this was a different type of consumed then actually having a baby. Entering the third trimester, I find myself becoming more anxious and apprehensive. Not that I will be a bad mother or that our little girl will be healthy and happy, although those worries definitely creep in also. I find myself anxious about losing my sense of me. Losing my own goals and aspirations, losing my hobbies and my friends, losing my ability to be introspective because I am too wrapped up in caring for someone.
When I first went away to college, I remember having similar fears. I knew I could do well academically, but I was not confident that I could be both a good student and have fun. I was worried that I would have too much fun that then suffer academically. Or that I would be too focused on my grades and then be miserable. It turns out that these fears were mostly unfounded. I ended up doing a good job of managing a social existence and still thriving academically, with only the occasional exception. I had achieved a sense of balance that I didn't know was possible.
I hope I am able to find this same sense of balance with motherhood.
Two of those Saturdays will be consumed with baby showers, one with a wedding, and another one I will be out of town at a conference. So, in reality, the number of Saturdays that I have to wake up when I want to, sip my coffee in silence, and enjoy mindlessly watching HGTV until I am fully awake and alert: Seven. And then my life will be forever changed and my Saturday mornings will probably never look the same again.
With his unspoken encouragement, I allowed myself to be a little crabby. I turned on the TV to a home-remodeling show and enjoyed sipping my coffee. I enjoyed the silence and I enjoyed the selfishness in my Saturday morning routine with a greater appreciation.
We wanted this for a long time. We spent many years and thousands of dollars working towards this goal. There were many days that my life was consumed by the task of having a baby. But this was a different type of consumed then actually having a baby. Entering the third trimester, I find myself becoming more anxious and apprehensive. Not that I will be a bad mother or that our little girl will be healthy and happy, although those worries definitely creep in also. I find myself anxious about losing my sense of me. Losing my own goals and aspirations, losing my hobbies and my friends, losing my ability to be introspective because I am too wrapped up in caring for someone.
When I first went away to college, I remember having similar fears. I knew I could do well academically, but I was not confident that I could be both a good student and have fun. I was worried that I would have too much fun that then suffer academically. Or that I would be too focused on my grades and then be miserable. It turns out that these fears were mostly unfounded. I ended up doing a good job of managing a social existence and still thriving academically, with only the occasional exception. I had achieved a sense of balance that I didn't know was possible.
I hope I am able to find this same sense of balance with motherhood.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Third Trimester: Ready or Not
Today I enter week 28, the third trimester. In 12 weeks, give or take, our little girl is expected to arrive.
The day started off well with my return OB appointment. My blood work came back well, so we can officially cross gestational diabetes off the list! My blood pressure was super low at the appointment and he was satisfied with the fluctuations from our monitoring over the past week. Current concerns of preeclampsia are also on hold and, overall, he was very pleased and relieved with my current health. I spent the rest of day convincing myself to also be relieved and get over my worked-up state I had put myself in over the past week.
My weight is up 22 pounds based on the official office weight, which is actually pretty consistent with my weights at home. This is more than I would have liked, but not too excessive so I'm mostly just accepting it. My hands, feet, and ankles are swollen according to my standards, but not enough to be medically concerned. My back and neck still ache at times, but last night I actually slept entirely through the night! Previously I had been waking up 3-4 times out of discomfort. The heartburn is mostly controlled with daily medication, but I do still get occasional breakthrough heartburn episodes. I still get tired more often, but it's not unbearable. The heart palpitations are currently my biggest issue, although my doctor said that occasional palpitations were normal and not concerning.
Baby "Beuhla", as we have officially nick-named her, is quite active these days. It is still rare for me to feel her from the outside, and I haven't felt her for long enough to get C involved, but I feel her internally at least several times per day. Personally, it seems like every time I put my hand on my abdomen to feel her, she stops moving. C told me that she's probably stubborn like her mother.
C officially graduated from nursing school last week and I couldn't be more proud of him. And also more relieved. It was a rough road. He's now in limbo while the state processes his background checks and applications so that he can eventually sign up to take the licensure exam. It it said to take up to 8-10 weeks at times, and my fingers are crossed that he'll be able to take the exam before Beuhla arrives. The thought of him trying to study and take the test with an infant who's awake every two hours does not sound like a good idea!
I have been having daily conversations with patients about my maternity plans and how this will affect them. I have several lists that I'm generating: discharged, "on-hold" during my leave, or transferred to a colleague. There are still a lot of patients between specific lists at the point, waiting to see how they do with the transition back to school. As long as the timing stays relatively on track, I'm hopeful that I will be able to have solid plans for all of the patients.
We still have not bought anything else for the baby, but have procured a jogging stroller and Boppy from his sister, so there is currently a pile of baby gear in the office. I may have had aminor freak-out last week about the fact that the nursery is still very much an office and that it needs to be painted and emptied by the shower date so that we can start filling it back up with baby stuff. Since then, we've begun to empty out some of the office stuff and have worked on figuring out exactly what colors we wanted to paint the room. We're settling on gray and yellow - gray walls with yellow accents. I think the first thing I might actually buy for the baby is paint! Writing this out loud sounds a little ridiculous. Oh well.
On the one hand, twelve weeks does not sound like very much time at all. I have a feeling it is going to fly by with everything that I want/need to get done. On the other hand, bringing home a baby still feels like and incredibly surreal idea. It was a muggy 80 degrees out today and November seems a far ways off. At least at this point, I am feeling optimistic about my health and our ability to get everything in order in time. Ready or not, here we go!
The day started off well with my return OB appointment. My blood work came back well, so we can officially cross gestational diabetes off the list! My blood pressure was super low at the appointment and he was satisfied with the fluctuations from our monitoring over the past week. Current concerns of preeclampsia are also on hold and, overall, he was very pleased and relieved with my current health. I spent the rest of day convincing myself to also be relieved and get over my worked-up state I had put myself in over the past week.
My weight is up 22 pounds based on the official office weight, which is actually pretty consistent with my weights at home. This is more than I would have liked, but not too excessive so I'm mostly just accepting it. My hands, feet, and ankles are swollen according to my standards, but not enough to be medically concerned. My back and neck still ache at times, but last night I actually slept entirely through the night! Previously I had been waking up 3-4 times out of discomfort. The heartburn is mostly controlled with daily medication, but I do still get occasional breakthrough heartburn episodes. I still get tired more often, but it's not unbearable. The heart palpitations are currently my biggest issue, although my doctor said that occasional palpitations were normal and not concerning.
Baby "Beuhla", as we have officially nick-named her, is quite active these days. It is still rare for me to feel her from the outside, and I haven't felt her for long enough to get C involved, but I feel her internally at least several times per day. Personally, it seems like every time I put my hand on my abdomen to feel her, she stops moving. C told me that she's probably stubborn like her mother.
C officially graduated from nursing school last week and I couldn't be more proud of him. And also more relieved. It was a rough road. He's now in limbo while the state processes his background checks and applications so that he can eventually sign up to take the licensure exam. It it said to take up to 8-10 weeks at times, and my fingers are crossed that he'll be able to take the exam before Beuhla arrives. The thought of him trying to study and take the test with an infant who's awake every two hours does not sound like a good idea!
I have been having daily conversations with patients about my maternity plans and how this will affect them. I have several lists that I'm generating: discharged, "on-hold" during my leave, or transferred to a colleague. There are still a lot of patients between specific lists at the point, waiting to see how they do with the transition back to school. As long as the timing stays relatively on track, I'm hopeful that I will be able to have solid plans for all of the patients.
We still have not bought anything else for the baby, but have procured a jogging stroller and Boppy from his sister, so there is currently a pile of baby gear in the office. I may have had a
On the one hand, twelve weeks does not sound like very much time at all. I have a feeling it is going to fly by with everything that I want/need to get done. On the other hand, bringing home a baby still feels like and incredibly surreal idea. It was a muggy 80 degrees out today and November seems a far ways off. At least at this point, I am feeling optimistic about my health and our ability to get everything in order in time. Ready or not, here we go!
Friday, August 15, 2014
27 Week Reality Check
My sister (AE) was visiting from out of town and wanted to attend my regularly scheduled OB appointment. I warned her that it is usually a little boring, but that she would be able to hear the heartbeat.
It turns out the appointment was a little more eventful than I had anticipated. My ankles and feet are more swollen than he would like, especially given a morning appointment. My weight had increased a too much over the past month. My blood pressure was "trending up" at 140/80. There was sugar in my urine (1000 mg/dl).
That's right... he is worried about both preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. I got an order for five vials of blood and instructions to check and record my blood pressure twice per day. While I had been having monthly appointments, he now wants to see me back in a week for closer monitoring.
At this point, I'm not scared or anxious. I feel that I am good hands and he is on top of my health. I also live with two nurses who can monitor me daily if needed. No, I am not nervous; I am frustrated and disappointed.
I think I started taking a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy for granted. It was as if I had paid my dues with the infertility, and felt like the universe owed me this. I knew in the back of my mind that PCOS puts me at a much greater risk of developing gestational diabetes, but I didn't let this knowledge significantly influence my lifestyle. I could have eaten healthier. I should have exercised more. On the flip side, I shouldn't have pushed myself so hard at work and entertaining guests.
There isn't a clear diagnosis of either condition at this point, but I do feel a significantly increased urge to make my health, and the health of our daughter, a much greater priority.
It turns out the appointment was a little more eventful than I had anticipated. My ankles and feet are more swollen than he would like, especially given a morning appointment. My weight had increased a too much over the past month. My blood pressure was "trending up" at 140/80. There was sugar in my urine (1000 mg/dl).
That's right... he is worried about both preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. I got an order for five vials of blood and instructions to check and record my blood pressure twice per day. While I had been having monthly appointments, he now wants to see me back in a week for closer monitoring.
At this point, I'm not scared or anxious. I feel that I am good hands and he is on top of my health. I also live with two nurses who can monitor me daily if needed. No, I am not nervous; I am frustrated and disappointed.
I think I started taking a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy for granted. It was as if I had paid my dues with the infertility, and felt like the universe owed me this. I knew in the back of my mind that PCOS puts me at a much greater risk of developing gestational diabetes, but I didn't let this knowledge significantly influence my lifestyle. I could have eaten healthier. I should have exercised more. On the flip side, I shouldn't have pushed myself so hard at work and entertaining guests.
There isn't a clear diagnosis of either condition at this point, but I do feel a significantly increased urge to make my health, and the health of our daughter, a much greater priority.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Viability
We are at 24 weeks today. Viability.
Ever since hearing about this, I thought the concept was odd. Yesterday, neonatologists would likely not have provided intensive intervention to save my daughter, but today a vast majority of them will. Yesterday, her chance of surviving outside the womb was less than 50% but today it is now greater then 50%. Of course, those chances are based on receiving extensive medical intervention and she is still likely to suffer long-term complications. The official recommendation is still that "intensive care should be an optional choice for fetuses at 23 and 24 weeks gestation" but should be offered "to every fetus at 25 weeks or more." (citation) So I suppose I should continue to be nervous until I reach the end of this week?
I'm not particularly nervous. Nor do I want her to come quite yet. She still has a lot of maturing to do and we still have a lot of preparing to do.
We still only have one set of receiving blankets as far as supplies go. There are some other items in the works, but I'm saving that for another post. Our registry is growing, but it is still far from complete. The office is still an office and C still has two more full weeks of nursing school before it can be transformed into a nursery. His last classes are turning out to be much more challenging than we were hoping for, so any physical or mental preparation that is not completely necessary is being put off until after this time.
I am definitely in full-swing pregnancy mode. I look pregnant and people call me out on it all the time. I am beginning to have daily conversations with patients about my maternity plans, although right now it is all very tentative and just meant to reassure them that there are options and plans in place. They will not be forgotten or stranded in psychological distress. That is assuming that I make much closer to my due date of course. Just because I'm viable, doesn't mean that any of us are actually ready for this.
My belly is expanding, but I am still not taking any bump pics. It just seems weird to me and I'm not comfortable with it. I think I'm still not completely comfortable with myself. The other day, C and I had a long conversation about if he still found me attractive... dangerous territory, I know. He said that I'm like, "Special Edition Katie" and that I look different but still good.
I am starting to develop stretch marks near my belly button. I also have a few on my right breast, oddly enough. I think my breasts have held steady at two cup sizes larger then normal, but they feel huge. My feet get very swollen at the end of the day, especially with the heat. I bought a pair of shoes, but then returned them for a larger size because I was nervous about the expanding feet situation.
Other symptoms are still the same. My canned remark is still that "I feel good, except for the days that I don't." I get winded easily. I get super tired at times. The heartburn likes to make itself well known every once in a while. My sense of smell still likes to me gag at random, otherwise mundane, scents. Round ligament pain is still present at times, especially when I have the nerve to stretch, and some days my back gets so sore that I swear I walk as if I were 9 months pregnant instead of just six. I have been getting some leg cramps at night, but nothing major. I am starting to get gassier and my bowel habits are much less consistent.
I have gained about 17-18 pounds, which is higher then I am comfortable with. Between Marv, then the week-long vacation, and then Marv again, I have taken a permanent hiatus of eating for health and have instead been eating for comfort. This week I began making an active effort to change that and am trying to set guidelines and limits for myself without being unreasonable to the fact that I am still pregnant.
The baby is much more active than just a few weeks ago. The sensations are still not especially impressive and I swear I can still buy how some women would just mistake them for bowel movements. She doesn't yet have a name, but we have a few top candidates that we're trying out. In the meanwhile, we've jokingly given her a place-holder name of Beuhla, which was one of C's first nursing patients and apparently a very lovely old woman. The humorous part is that sometimes people think we are serious about this name and try to give us a supportive response but it is very clear that they are stretching to say something nice.
All in all, Baby Beuhla seems well and is officially past the imaginary viability threshold, but she and C and I still have a long way to go until we're all really ready for her arrival.
Ever since hearing about this, I thought the concept was odd. Yesterday, neonatologists would likely not have provided intensive intervention to save my daughter, but today a vast majority of them will. Yesterday, her chance of surviving outside the womb was less than 50% but today it is now greater then 50%. Of course, those chances are based on receiving extensive medical intervention and she is still likely to suffer long-term complications. The official recommendation is still that "intensive care should be an optional choice for fetuses at 23 and 24 weeks gestation" but should be offered "to every fetus at 25 weeks or more." (citation) So I suppose I should continue to be nervous until I reach the end of this week?
I'm not particularly nervous. Nor do I want her to come quite yet. She still has a lot of maturing to do and we still have a lot of preparing to do.
We still only have one set of receiving blankets as far as supplies go. There are some other items in the works, but I'm saving that for another post. Our registry is growing, but it is still far from complete. The office is still an office and C still has two more full weeks of nursing school before it can be transformed into a nursery. His last classes are turning out to be much more challenging than we were hoping for, so any physical or mental preparation that is not completely necessary is being put off until after this time.
I am definitely in full-swing pregnancy mode. I look pregnant and people call me out on it all the time. I am beginning to have daily conversations with patients about my maternity plans, although right now it is all very tentative and just meant to reassure them that there are options and plans in place. They will not be forgotten or stranded in psychological distress. That is assuming that I make much closer to my due date of course. Just because I'm viable, doesn't mean that any of us are actually ready for this.
My belly is expanding, but I am still not taking any bump pics. It just seems weird to me and I'm not comfortable with it. I think I'm still not completely comfortable with myself. The other day, C and I had a long conversation about if he still found me attractive... dangerous territory, I know. He said that I'm like, "Special Edition Katie" and that I look different but still good.
I am starting to develop stretch marks near my belly button. I also have a few on my right breast, oddly enough. I think my breasts have held steady at two cup sizes larger then normal, but they feel huge. My feet get very swollen at the end of the day, especially with the heat. I bought a pair of shoes, but then returned them for a larger size because I was nervous about the expanding feet situation.
Other symptoms are still the same. My canned remark is still that "I feel good, except for the days that I don't." I get winded easily. I get super tired at times. The heartburn likes to make itself well known every once in a while. My sense of smell still likes to me gag at random, otherwise mundane, scents. Round ligament pain is still present at times, especially when I have the nerve to stretch, and some days my back gets so sore that I swear I walk as if I were 9 months pregnant instead of just six. I have been getting some leg cramps at night, but nothing major. I am starting to get gassier and my bowel habits are much less consistent.
I have gained about 17-18 pounds, which is higher then I am comfortable with. Between Marv, then the week-long vacation, and then Marv again, I have taken a permanent hiatus of eating for health and have instead been eating for comfort. This week I began making an active effort to change that and am trying to set guidelines and limits for myself without being unreasonable to the fact that I am still pregnant.
The baby is much more active than just a few weeks ago. The sensations are still not especially impressive and I swear I can still buy how some women would just mistake them for bowel movements. She doesn't yet have a name, but we have a few top candidates that we're trying out. In the meanwhile, we've jokingly given her a place-holder name of Beuhla, which was one of C's first nursing patients and apparently a very lovely old woman. The humorous part is that sometimes people think we are serious about this name and try to give us a supportive response but it is very clear that they are stretching to say something nice.
All in all, Baby Beuhla seems well and is officially past the imaginary viability threshold, but she and C and I still have a long way to go until we're all really ready for her arrival.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Halfway to Baby
Yesterday marked the 21-week mark, meaning we are officially past the half-way point in this journey. It's really sort of crazy to think about it in this way.
On the one hand, we are absolutely in no way prepared to bring home a baby, physically or mentally. I have gotten a gift of swaddling blankets from my sister and this is the only real baby item we possess. My 90-year-old great aunt also did give us her Burger King Kid's Meal toy, an animal-ears headband, this past week for the baby - very sweet but not entirely practical.
Nineteen weeks ago, we were in the middle of IVF. I was in the hospital from bleeding complications, in severe pain, and worried that this would impact our chances of successful implantation. This is really becoming a distant memory. The emotional pain of these struggles has dulled. I will never forget and it will always be a part of our journey, but it is no longer the first thing I think about when people comment on the pregnancy.
In another nineteen weeks, give or take, we will hopefully be parents to a healthy baby girl. Our lives will be forever changed. I don't feel entirely prepared for this, but then I don't think that anyone can be entirely prepared for this. When you go to a foreign country for the first time, you can read about the history and culture and learn the language, but this won't entirely brace you for the engulfing sights and sounds and smells of this new place that are so different from what you are accustomed to.
When people ask how I've been feeling, I usually answer, "Good, except for the days I'm not." This pretty much sums things up. Most days I feel 90% healthy. I am chronically congested and always sound like I'm getting over a cold, but this doesn't impact me much. I get out of breath a easier than normal and have noticed being less flexible when getting dressed or performing activities that involve touching my toes, but again this hasn't had a huge impact.
Then there are the days that I am incapacitated. There are the days when the heartburn is so bad that I can't talk and it feels like my esophagus is about to catch on fire. On these days I can't sleep or eat much and everything hurts from my chest upwards. Then there are the days that I become so exhausted that I've fallen asleep with my head on my desk, get worried about driving home from work safely, and generally feel like my whole body is weighted down, with sore muscles, and the general feeling that I've been hit by a Mac truck. Luckily, these days are not the norm and generally I don't have much to complain about.
I have also noticed that my feet are starting to swell, which I am still trying to blame on the hot weather, and that I will occasionally have some very mild leaking of colostrum. It's all very sexy. My belly is now very noticeable and I am wearing 90% maternity clothes, especially when leaving the house. I am up about 14 pounds, which is more then I was hoping and on the higher end of what is recommended, but some of this is due to a week-long vacation and all the eating that goes along with that.
There are days when I feel more confident about feeling the baby, but sometimes these feelings are still so similar to bowel/intestinal movements that it's hard to decipher. They're also not very frequent, which doesn't help. Last night, C tried to hear the heartbeat with his stethoscope but was unsuccessful. The websites said that you might be able to hear it with a stethoscope by 20 weeks so we knew it could be too early.
So... halfway between infertility treatments and bringing home baby. Slowly making this mental transition, as my body continues to change and our baby girl continues to grow and develop. Life moves on.
On the one hand, we are absolutely in no way prepared to bring home a baby, physically or mentally. I have gotten a gift of swaddling blankets from my sister and this is the only real baby item we possess. My 90-year-old great aunt also did give us her Burger King Kid's Meal toy, an animal-ears headband, this past week for the baby - very sweet but not entirely practical.
Nineteen weeks ago, we were in the middle of IVF. I was in the hospital from bleeding complications, in severe pain, and worried that this would impact our chances of successful implantation. This is really becoming a distant memory. The emotional pain of these struggles has dulled. I will never forget and it will always be a part of our journey, but it is no longer the first thing I think about when people comment on the pregnancy.
In another nineteen weeks, give or take, we will hopefully be parents to a healthy baby girl. Our lives will be forever changed. I don't feel entirely prepared for this, but then I don't think that anyone can be entirely prepared for this. When you go to a foreign country for the first time, you can read about the history and culture and learn the language, but this won't entirely brace you for the engulfing sights and sounds and smells of this new place that are so different from what you are accustomed to.
When people ask how I've been feeling, I usually answer, "Good, except for the days I'm not." This pretty much sums things up. Most days I feel 90% healthy. I am chronically congested and always sound like I'm getting over a cold, but this doesn't impact me much. I get out of breath a easier than normal and have noticed being less flexible when getting dressed or performing activities that involve touching my toes, but again this hasn't had a huge impact.
Then there are the days that I am incapacitated. There are the days when the heartburn is so bad that I can't talk and it feels like my esophagus is about to catch on fire. On these days I can't sleep or eat much and everything hurts from my chest upwards. Then there are the days that I become so exhausted that I've fallen asleep with my head on my desk, get worried about driving home from work safely, and generally feel like my whole body is weighted down, with sore muscles, and the general feeling that I've been hit by a Mac truck. Luckily, these days are not the norm and generally I don't have much to complain about.
I have also noticed that my feet are starting to swell, which I am still trying to blame on the hot weather, and that I will occasionally have some very mild leaking of colostrum. It's all very sexy. My belly is now very noticeable and I am wearing 90% maternity clothes, especially when leaving the house. I am up about 14 pounds, which is more then I was hoping and on the higher end of what is recommended, but some of this is due to a week-long vacation and all the eating that goes along with that.
There are days when I feel more confident about feeling the baby, but sometimes these feelings are still so similar to bowel/intestinal movements that it's hard to decipher. They're also not very frequent, which doesn't help. Last night, C tried to hear the heartbeat with his stethoscope but was unsuccessful. The websites said that you might be able to hear it with a stethoscope by 20 weeks so we knew it could be too early.
So... halfway between infertility treatments and bringing home baby. Slowly making this mental transition, as my body continues to change and our baby girl continues to grow and develop. Life moves on.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Some Thoughts on Gender
My anatomy scan is coming up at the end of this week, at exactly the beginning of week 19 because we will be on vacation the following week. I am really excited to stop referring to the baby as "it".
The gender is the number one question that I get asked when people congratulate me on my ever-expanding belly. C and I are definitely interested in knowing ourselves, primarily because of the "it" issue and that I am horribly impatient, but I'm not yet certain if I want the world to know quite yet. There is something so incredibly un-private about being pregnant. It suddenly becomes okay for people to comment on my changing body shape, touch you, and ask personal questions. On the other hand, I am a horrible liar so I'm really not sure how to approach the answer to the number one question these days, "do you know the gender yet?"
Another interesting phenomena that has occurred is that most people like to offer unsolicited guesses as to what the gender will be. This part is probably not all that interesting. The interesting part is that every single person has guessed that the baby will be a boy. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. It started getting really creepy actually. Anyone who gave a reasoning, tended to use different wives tales to justify, only making it creepier. The heartbeat is on the slower end, but the extensive research I've done says that this really is nothing more than an old wives tale with no evidence to back it up. I still look pretty and apparently if he/she is a girl then my "she would steal your beauty"; however, my aunt claimed this on a day that I was dressed for a wedding and spent at least five times the usual amount of usual effort in getting ready to look nice. I am carrying more in the front, or higher up, or something. I can't tell how I'm carrying compared with anyone else, so this one really makes no sense to me.
I really don't have a strong preference one way or the other. However, boys scare me. I never had any brothers. I'm obviously not male. I'm not sure what to do with a boy. I really don't know how different they are from girls or if this is really a silly to thing to worry about. Also, the oppositional side of me now really wants to prove everyone-and-thier-mother wrong as further evidence for justifying people to keep their nose out of other people's business. So I suppose there is a very slight preference for a girl, but in reality all of these reasons are very silly and I really am just excited to find out so I can more easily continue bonding.
Sometimes I think about the original purpose of the anatomy scan, which is to determine if the baby is growing appropriately and proportionately and to identify any early signs of issues. That is the real deal. However, thoughts of everything that could be wrong, everything that they are really checking for, is worrisome. Wondering about the gender is a much more hopeful and enjoyable way to anticipate this upcoming ultrasound. So, like many other mothers before me, I choose to focus on the least significant but most anticipated result and continue fantasizing about whether we will narrowing down the name list to girls or boys.
The gender is the number one question that I get asked when people congratulate me on my ever-expanding belly. C and I are definitely interested in knowing ourselves, primarily because of the "it" issue and that I am horribly impatient, but I'm not yet certain if I want the world to know quite yet. There is something so incredibly un-private about being pregnant. It suddenly becomes okay for people to comment on my changing body shape, touch you, and ask personal questions. On the other hand, I am a horrible liar so I'm really not sure how to approach the answer to the number one question these days, "do you know the gender yet?"
Another interesting phenomena that has occurred is that most people like to offer unsolicited guesses as to what the gender will be. This part is probably not all that interesting. The interesting part is that every single person has guessed that the baby will be a boy. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. It started getting really creepy actually. Anyone who gave a reasoning, tended to use different wives tales to justify, only making it creepier. The heartbeat is on the slower end, but the extensive research I've done says that this really is nothing more than an old wives tale with no evidence to back it up. I still look pretty and apparently if he/she is a girl then my "she would steal your beauty"; however, my aunt claimed this on a day that I was dressed for a wedding and spent at least five times the usual amount of usual effort in getting ready to look nice. I am carrying more in the front, or higher up, or something. I can't tell how I'm carrying compared with anyone else, so this one really makes no sense to me.
I really don't have a strong preference one way or the other. However, boys scare me. I never had any brothers. I'm obviously not male. I'm not sure what to do with a boy. I really don't know how different they are from girls or if this is really a silly to thing to worry about. Also, the oppositional side of me now really wants to prove everyone-and-thier-mother wrong as further evidence for justifying people to keep their nose out of other people's business. So I suppose there is a very slight preference for a girl, but in reality all of these reasons are very silly and I really am just excited to find out so I can more easily continue bonding.
Sometimes I think about the original purpose of the anatomy scan, which is to determine if the baby is growing appropriately and proportionately and to identify any early signs of issues. That is the real deal. However, thoughts of everything that could be wrong, everything that they are really checking for, is worrisome. Wondering about the gender is a much more hopeful and enjoyable way to anticipate this upcoming ultrasound. So, like many other mothers before me, I choose to focus on the least significant but most anticipated result and continue fantasizing about whether we will narrowing down the name list to girls or boys.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
18 Weeks
I am officially at the point where I can no longer pretend I'm not pregnant. Patients are calling it from the waiting room. Colleagues are asking about it in the elevator. It's completely out in the open. I am 90% in maternity clothes and am already sick of my options. This is going to be a loooooong summer.
My weight is up 8-10 pounds depending on the day, which is a little bit more then I was hoping for. I am focusing on the fact that it seems primarily staying put in the belly region. I am trying hard to pick healthy choices for foods, but have definitely indulged in the occasional ice cream treat or macaroni and cheese.
Over the past two weeks, I have developed this insatiable hunger which is then followed by feeling overly stuffed and bloated. There is no happy medium, or at least I haven't figured it out yet.
Cravings? This is complicated. There are things that I used to like that I now love - hamburgers, cheese, macaroni and cheese, bagels with cream cheese (noticing a theme?), ice cream, berries - but I never get in a have-to-have-it mood. I did make a rule that I shouldn't be grocery shopping by myself because I pick out some weird crap that is not so well-rounded. Plus, I'll decide something sounds like a great idea in the store and then forget to eat it when we bring it home and completely lose interest.
Heartburn is still my prominent symptom. My OB told me to take Prilosec daily, but I get nervous about taking medicine so I tend to skip days when I'm feeling better and they I pay for it later. Congestion is also the bane of my existence and I keep going back and forth on whether it is due to allergies or a cold. I'm usually not an allergy prone person, but I know this is an especially bad year for people and, well, I've discovered nothing is off the table when you're pregnant. I still get random pains and twinges in my back and my abdomen. This is tolerable and they never last long enough to worry me.
Feeling anything? I have no clue! I can definitely feel a weight on my pelvis at times. Lately, I've been getting specific pains on my right side or lower abdominal region that could possibly be interpreted as being kicked or stabbed. But the key word here is pain. No fluttering. It's not particularly pleasant. Not what I'm imaging a sweet-potato-sized-human is capable of at this point. So I am interpreting this a my uterus continuing to expand and push other vital organs out of place. I am thinking about the actual baby feeling as an orgasm - when it happens, I'll know.
We got the results back of the second part of the sequential screening, which was just a blood test. The baby was given odds of 1/10,000 odds for Down syndrome or Trisomy 18 and 1/620 for open neural tube defects, which are both considered negative. I totally understand why they do the odds-ratio thing, but I don't like it. Yes, one in six hundred and twenty is pretty minimal, but I'd be happier if they just said said it's never going to happen.
Work is chugging along and I think the two-week-long maternity plan debate is finally behind me. Ultimately they went along with my original plan, but made me feel very under-appreciated in implying that I am at risk for "low productivity" (a dirty accusations these days...) when I work my ass off and am one of the very top performers in my department. Part of me wants to put it behind me, but then the emotional pregnant woman inside wants to make them abundantly clear how their actions affect workplace satisfaction and undermine women. I've noticed that this emotional pregnant woman can be pretty feisty!
Speaking of emotions... I am not generally an emotional person. This past week I've found myself becoming incredibly irritable over the smallest things (My mom asked what I had planned after work in an annoying voice. How dare she!) or just very sad and upset. C will come in the room and I look like I'm about to start bawling. He'll ask what is wrong and then I tell him I have absolutely no idea, I just feel sad. Luckily he believes me and doesn't make it into anything bigger than it is. He hugs me and we try to laugh about it, but sometimes I still just want to cry. When I'm not emotionally volatile, I am very content and incredibly in love and appreciative of everything around me. Yeah, it's really a lovely roller-coaster ride over here...
This is enough baby-vomit. Hopefully some day soon I will be able to put together a coherent post about one topic.
My weight is up 8-10 pounds depending on the day, which is a little bit more then I was hoping for. I am focusing on the fact that it seems primarily staying put in the belly region. I am trying hard to pick healthy choices for foods, but have definitely indulged in the occasional ice cream treat or macaroni and cheese.
Over the past two weeks, I have developed this insatiable hunger which is then followed by feeling overly stuffed and bloated. There is no happy medium, or at least I haven't figured it out yet.
Cravings? This is complicated. There are things that I used to like that I now love - hamburgers, cheese, macaroni and cheese, bagels with cream cheese (noticing a theme?), ice cream, berries - but I never get in a have-to-have-it mood. I did make a rule that I shouldn't be grocery shopping by myself because I pick out some weird crap that is not so well-rounded. Plus, I'll decide something sounds like a great idea in the store and then forget to eat it when we bring it home and completely lose interest.
Heartburn is still my prominent symptom. My OB told me to take Prilosec daily, but I get nervous about taking medicine so I tend to skip days when I'm feeling better and they I pay for it later. Congestion is also the bane of my existence and I keep going back and forth on whether it is due to allergies or a cold. I'm usually not an allergy prone person, but I know this is an especially bad year for people and, well, I've discovered nothing is off the table when you're pregnant. I still get random pains and twinges in my back and my abdomen. This is tolerable and they never last long enough to worry me.
Feeling anything? I have no clue! I can definitely feel a weight on my pelvis at times. Lately, I've been getting specific pains on my right side or lower abdominal region that could possibly be interpreted as being kicked or stabbed. But the key word here is pain. No fluttering. It's not particularly pleasant. Not what I'm imaging a sweet-potato-sized-human is capable of at this point. So I am interpreting this a my uterus continuing to expand and push other vital organs out of place. I am thinking about the actual baby feeling as an orgasm - when it happens, I'll know.
We got the results back of the second part of the sequential screening, which was just a blood test. The baby was given odds of 1/10,000 odds for Down syndrome or Trisomy 18 and 1/620 for open neural tube defects, which are both considered negative. I totally understand why they do the odds-ratio thing, but I don't like it. Yes, one in six hundred and twenty is pretty minimal, but I'd be happier if they just said said it's never going to happen.
Work is chugging along and I think the two-week-long maternity plan debate is finally behind me. Ultimately they went along with my original plan, but made me feel very under-appreciated in implying that I am at risk for "low productivity" (a dirty accusations these days...) when I work my ass off and am one of the very top performers in my department. Part of me wants to put it behind me, but then the emotional pregnant woman inside wants to make them abundantly clear how their actions affect workplace satisfaction and undermine women. I've noticed that this emotional pregnant woman can be pretty feisty!
Speaking of emotions... I am not generally an emotional person. This past week I've found myself becoming incredibly irritable over the smallest things (My mom asked what I had planned after work in an annoying voice. How dare she!) or just very sad and upset. C will come in the room and I look like I'm about to start bawling. He'll ask what is wrong and then I tell him I have absolutely no idea, I just feel sad. Luckily he believes me and doesn't make it into anything bigger than it is. He hugs me and we try to laugh about it, but sometimes I still just want to cry. When I'm not emotionally volatile, I am very content and incredibly in love and appreciative of everything around me. Yeah, it's really a lovely roller-coaster ride over here...
This is enough baby-vomit. Hopefully some day soon I will be able to put together a coherent post about one topic.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
A Letter to My Fake-Boss
My Monday ended with a series of emails between my real boss and my fake-wanna-be boss and myself about my maternity leave. Just as predicted, the shit hit the fan and people are NOT HAPPY.
Just to be very clear, my real boss is fantastic and is completely supportive, although sometimes afraid to stand up to the MDs. The fake-wanna-be-boss is an MD and has no idea how psychology works and micro-manages all of her staff to the point of two of them leaving for competing hospitals within the past two months. She runs the department to which I am the primary [read: only] psychologist consultant.
The background: I sent an email of my maternity leave plan to fake-boss and cc'd real-boss and my administrator (I know, too many people in charge...) last week, but didn't realize that fake-boss was out of town until today. Essentially, the plan is that I will stop accepting new patients beginning in September, which allows me exactly me just about two months to "cure" my entire caseload or otherwise figure who to transfer them to, seeing as that everyone else already has a full case-load and psychology patients generally aren't keen on the idea of transferring care once they've established a relationship with someone (completely understandable). I provided a full page of different referral options for upcoming new patients, based on their insurance and presenting problem and location, etc. This took me some time to compile and I was pretty impressed with the final product. My real boss and my administrator both responded that it was a wonderful plan and very timely.
Fake-boss responded today, not to me directly, but just to my real-boss. This was irritating, because it was as though she wanted the two of them to decide my fate together and then jointly inform me of what my plan would be. Well, he (real-boss) would have none of that and finally included me in on the conversation and asked me to respond to herridiculous demands/arguments directly.
Here is a summary of her arguments sent directly to my boss:
Just to be very clear, my real boss is fantastic and is completely supportive, although sometimes afraid to stand up to the MDs. The fake-wanna-be-boss is an MD and has no idea how psychology works and micro-manages all of her staff to the point of two of them leaving for competing hospitals within the past two months. She runs the department to which I am the primary [read: only] psychologist consultant.
The background: I sent an email of my maternity leave plan to fake-boss and cc'd real-boss and my administrator (I know, too many people in charge...) last week, but didn't realize that fake-boss was out of town until today. Essentially, the plan is that I will stop accepting new patients beginning in September, which allows me exactly me just about two months to "cure" my entire caseload or otherwise figure who to transfer them to, seeing as that everyone else already has a full case-load and psychology patients generally aren't keen on the idea of transferring care once they've established a relationship with someone (completely understandable). I provided a full page of different referral options for upcoming new patients, based on their insurance and presenting problem and location, etc. This took me some time to compile and I was pretty impressed with the final product. My real boss and my administrator both responded that it was a wonderful plan and very timely.
Fake-boss responded today, not to me directly, but just to my real-boss. This was irritating, because it was as though she wanted the two of them to decide my fate together and then jointly inform me of what my plan would be. Well, he (real-boss) would have none of that and finally included me in on the conversation and asked me to respond to her
Here is a summary of her arguments sent directly to my boss:
- My plan gives an inadequate "lead in time"
- My maternity leave will negatively affect my productivity and the productivity of my department
- I should be able to accept new patients until October
- I need to make sure I am opening up more time for follow-up patient slots if I am not accepting new patients
I've composed a short and professional response, but this is what I really want to say:
Dear fake-boss,
I have sent you a full maternity plan with detailed referral options when I was 15 weeks pregnant, just entering my second trimester. I truly apologize if this is not enough "lead time" for you and in the future I will make sure that you are aware of the exact date of my IVF procedure so that you know at the moment of conception. Never-mind that miscarriage risks are much higher for IVF patients in the first trimester, I'll make sure you're the first to know.
Regarding my productivity - yes, I am fully aware that having a child and taking off several weeks to recover from this, bond, and nature this new life will result in a decrease in the number of patients that I am seeing. In fact, I can guarantee that there will be several weeks that I will be 100% unproductive in terms of "billable hours". I'm sure I'll manage to stay productive in other aspects of my life.
In the grand scheme of things, productivity is the least of my concerns. Currently, I am one of the top achieving psychologists in the department and my productivity rankings are higher than 85% of the national average. I'm fairly certain that I could drop dead today and still meet my productivity quota for the year.
I know that the implication is this productivity argument is your preference for me to be working my usual 50 hours per week up until the delivery date. Under other circumstances, I would be very agreeable to this. These circumstances being that a) the delivery date is actually predictable, b) that I am miraculously able to "cure" each and every one of my patients the week prior to this date, but not before, and c) that this delivery date is not preceded by bi-weekly and then weekly physician appointments that I am required to attend. In reality, I am really hoping that my case-load slowly dwindles up until the leave date, meaning that I will have less patients to cancel when I am inevitably driving to the hospital while on the phone with my secretary.
Accepting new patients up until October is an interesting compromise, but has the similar flaw with working 50 hours weekly stated above. This assumes that a) I will actually deliver on or after my due date, and b) I am really a miraculous psychologist and can "cure" everyone in less then three appointments. I'm truly honored that you think so highly of me, but even I am not this good. In all seriousness, this is a the primary difference between psychology and traditional medicine: there is no magic pill that cures grief or behavior problems.
The above arguments are based entirely on my desire to provide the absolute best care to my patients under the current circumstances. Given this, and my recent actions of seeing patients through my lunch hour and after the rest of staff has long since gone home, I am actually offended by the implication that I would not be retaining enough time in my schedule to follow-up with my already established patients. Trust me when I say that if there are not enough follow-up appointment slots, I will make them.
Now that you have had a chance to share you opinions, I would like to inform you that this whole maternity thing - it's happening whether you like it or not. You can approve or not approve of this plan, but either way I will be gone. So please, take the referral list, inform the rest of your staff, and get your head out of the sand.
Sincerely,
Your already-pregnant-consultant-who-you-don't-actually-have-any-control-over
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Remaining Calm
Ever since my 9-week freak out, I have down a good job of reining in the crazy. At my last ultra-sound, I was much more excited to see the growth then nervous. I am increasingly confident that this pregnancy will actually result in a baby. And then my pregnant co-worker started telling me about her anxieties and the person she knows who went into labor at 16 weeks and then someone else who went into labor at 18 weeks and a story she just read about a baby being born at 22 weeks and still fighting to live. Damn her.
I had somehow convinced myself that if I could make it to 10 weeks and then the first trimester that I would be in the clear. Now she's put these little seeds of doubt in my mind.
When I read that others around my same gestational age are feeling sensations of their little one, despite the fact that most books say it's completely normal not to feel anything yet, I begin to feel nervous. When I gain weight I get upset that I'm gaining too quickly, but if I don't gain weight then I start to wonder if its because the baby is no longer growing.
Anxiety is a funny thing. It has this way of starting out as a small seed and then taking root and growing quickly out of control.
On a daily basis, I hear about the anxieties of children and teens. I have heard fears and worries that many people would have difficulty comprehending. An astroid is going to hit the earth and kill us all. What if I am buried alive? My stomach aches are actually cancer. If I don't wear this one pair of underwear every day, something bad will happen. Santa and Mickey and Chuck.E.Cheese are all evil and will hurt me. If I don't pick out just the right outfit, no one at school will talk to me and I will not have any friends. If my mom leaves on a work trip, she will never return.
I don't have these worries, but I do understand them. I get it. Take something with a small grain of truth or a minuscule possibility of occurring and then give it some validity. With a little exaggeration and a little ignoring of base-rates and probabilities, these semi-truths and possibilities become facts and certainties. And our creative brains are fantastic at exaggeration and ignoring statistical odds, creating the perfect cesspool for growing and nurturing anxiety.
One of the reasons I think I'm good at what I do because I can relate. Because often kids and teens have the realistic part of their brain telling them that these anxieties are absurd and that they are crazy, and having an adult understand and empathize can be powerful. Then, after we understand how these seemingly ridicules fears come to be in a very honest way, we can work together to change them. Call out the exaggeration. Return to facts.
The fact is that a very large majority of pregnancies that survive into the second trimester go on to become healthy infants. The fact is the not feeling a baby at 16.5 weeks is perfectly normal, and it may be another month or so until I feel anything, especially since I began this journey in the "overweight" category. The fact is that my weight fluctuates up to 2 pounds in a day or two, so gaining or losing a pound is not a significant revelation. Reliable sources say that gaining or losing 5 pounds in a week or two is something to take notice of, but this has never occurred.
I had somehow convinced myself that if I could make it to 10 weeks and then the first trimester that I would be in the clear. Now she's put these little seeds of doubt in my mind.
When I read that others around my same gestational age are feeling sensations of their little one, despite the fact that most books say it's completely normal not to feel anything yet, I begin to feel nervous. When I gain weight I get upset that I'm gaining too quickly, but if I don't gain weight then I start to wonder if its because the baby is no longer growing.
Anxiety is a funny thing. It has this way of starting out as a small seed and then taking root and growing quickly out of control.
On a daily basis, I hear about the anxieties of children and teens. I have heard fears and worries that many people would have difficulty comprehending. An astroid is going to hit the earth and kill us all. What if I am buried alive? My stomach aches are actually cancer. If I don't wear this one pair of underwear every day, something bad will happen. Santa and Mickey and Chuck.E.Cheese are all evil and will hurt me. If I don't pick out just the right outfit, no one at school will talk to me and I will not have any friends. If my mom leaves on a work trip, she will never return.
I don't have these worries, but I do understand them. I get it. Take something with a small grain of truth or a minuscule possibility of occurring and then give it some validity. With a little exaggeration and a little ignoring of base-rates and probabilities, these semi-truths and possibilities become facts and certainties. And our creative brains are fantastic at exaggeration and ignoring statistical odds, creating the perfect cesspool for growing and nurturing anxiety.
One of the reasons I think I'm good at what I do because I can relate. Because often kids and teens have the realistic part of their brain telling them that these anxieties are absurd and that they are crazy, and having an adult understand and empathize can be powerful. Then, after we understand how these seemingly ridicules fears come to be in a very honest way, we can work together to change them. Call out the exaggeration. Return to facts.
The fact is that a very large majority of pregnancies that survive into the second trimester go on to become healthy infants. The fact is the not feeling a baby at 16.5 weeks is perfectly normal, and it may be another month or so until I feel anything, especially since I began this journey in the "overweight" category. The fact is that my weight fluctuates up to 2 pounds in a day or two, so gaining or losing a pound is not a significant revelation. Reliable sources say that gaining or losing 5 pounds in a week or two is something to take notice of, but this has never occurred.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Second Trimester
Welcome to the second trimester, baby. We’re one third of the way there, although it doesn’t feel like it. From a preparedness standpoint, I’m still working on wrapping me head around being pregnant and haven’t really begun the whole preparing for an actual child coming into this world.
I have started looking at (stressing about) all the “equipment” required, but really haven’t narrowed anything down yet or purchased anything. I did purchase some maternity clothes on two separate occasions. The first day, I purchased a pair of work pants (my parents and C kept telling me the rubber-band trick was ridiculous and unprofessional), some tops, and two bathing suits because they were a great price. Within a week of that, the weather changed and I needed capris. One huge word of advice on Destination Maternity – the front part of the store has designer clothing items that a much more expensive then I would want to spend for maternity clothes, but the back part of the store has the off-brand “Motherhood Maternity” clothes that are much more reasonable. I nearly gave myself a panic attack when I spent twenty minutes going through every rack in the front and couldn’t find a pair of bottoms for less than $90! Before finding this store, I had tried the maternity sections in Kohl’s and Target, but couldn’t find anything I liked. OK, in reality, I was probably just too chicken to actually try on anything and left too quickly. By the third attempt, I got desperate and made my mom come with me to force me to take the whole maternity clothes buying more seriously.
I have told most people I care about telling. It’s been mostly casual, when the moment seems right, and there really haven’t been any theatrical announcements. I do have a cute idea for a facebook announcement, but might just be too lazy to actually put it together. I’m generally not a fan of having a big fuss made over me, pregnancy included. The one person I have left to formally tell is my pseudo-boss who is the head of the department I consult with but has no real control over me (she just pretends she does). After this, I need to set my patient schedule for the fall and stick to it. This means I will soon be turning down all new referrals and I don’t expect this to go over well with some of the staff that rely on me. Oh well.
Slowly, and intermittently, I’ve begun to feel more human. I only get nauseas when it’s been too long from the last time I’ve ate. The heartburn is still problematic, but not daily. There are many days when I don’t have the desire to crawl into bed at 6pm immediately upon getting home from work, but then there are still days when this is necessary. I have begun exercising again, but not at the same level of exertion as previously. It still feels like my heart is pounding out of my chest with a brisk walk! I have also noticed that I will feel a burst of energy and want to exercise, but then it is quickly followed by exhaustion so sometimes I miss my window. The one relatively newer symptom is lower back pain. There are moments it hurts so bad that I feel my legs are going give out on me. Usually this is after I’ve been sitting too long, or standing too long, or laying down too long. Changing positions is a good thing.
Approximately twenty six weeks to go, should the little one decide to follow the prescribed timeline. Onward and upward!
Monday, May 12, 2014
A Normal Pregnancy
At my first official OB appointment a few weeks ago, he assured me that after the first trimester, women who get pregnant through IVF are considered at no greater risk then women who get pregnant "naturally". The one exception is that there is a slight trend for IVF pregnancies to more often end in a cesarian section. Also, because of the PCOS, I am at higher risk for gestational diabetes, but this not a given. He assured me that this should be a "normal pregnancy".
Since this time, I have really tried to take this message to heart. I no longer require three monitoring appointments per week. I no longer require blood draws so often that my arms stay permanently black-and-blue and I begin to develop scar tissue. I no longer require extra testing, monitoring, or supervision. I am off all extra medication. No more shots, patches, or vaginal suppositories. Only a multi-vitamin.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
A Word About Weight
Living with PCOS, although not realizing this until trying to conceive, I have always straddled the line between "healthy" and "overweight". Always is probably an exaggeration, but I do remember feeling awkward wearing leggings in fifth grade, aware that I did not have the stick-skinny legs other girls had. I remember lying slightly when they recorded my weight on my first driver's license and never seeing that number on the scale again. I would occasionally get as low as ten pounds below the arbitrary cutoff point on the BMI scales, but often being a few pounds above. That number has followed me around for over the past decade, always threatening to call me overweight if I overindulged.
Just to be clear, I was never a crash dieter. Mostly because I didn't have the stamina. I would occasionally follow SouthBeach or Wieght-Watchers, lose 5 pounds or so, and then become complacent. I never gained or loss more than 10 pounds in a year. Until infertility.
I'm not sure if was the medication effects, the fact I was no longer managing my hormones with birth control and now they were running amuck, some emotional over-eating from the stress of it all, or that I wasn't exercising as much because I constantly bloated and uncomfortable. It was probably a combination of all of this. Whatever the culprit, I gained 20 pounds in less then a year. Thirty pounds in two years. Three pant sizes. At times, this felt worse then not being able to ovulate.
I promised myself that if the IVF didn't work, we would take some time off of medications and I would focus on my health. It felt like a consolation prize - if I can't have a baby, then at least I want to fit back into my regular clothes.
So, here I am, twelve weeks pregnant. Almost out of the first trimester. I have weighed myself nearly every morning, as soon as I wake up. I watch the scale like a hawk. According to You: Having a Baby, women who begin overweight should gain 15-25 pounds total over the course of pregnancy, compared with the 25-35 pounds recommended for women beginning in the healthy weight range. Specific recommendations are that only 2 - 4 pounds should be gained in the first trimester, with another 8 - 13 in the second trimester, and 5 - 8 in the third. This is especially important for women with PCOS, because we are already at greater risk for rapid weight gain and gestational diabetes.
I am at just around three pounds so far. I'm on track. And I feel horrible. I think I keep focusing on the number because my body image is so skewed. I don't feel pregnant. I feel fat. When I have gained weight in the past, I've always carried it around middle. My pants get tight and this is a sign that the scale is tipping out of my favor. Now, my belly is expanding and my pants are tightening, and the scale is hardly budging.
I'm at this awkward, in-between stage where I'm not yet comfortable "coming out" as pregnant and wearing empire-waste shirts, but I feel horrible in my current attire. It feels like I'm hiding something, which I am. I keep scorning myself for starting out overweight and then I imagine the ideal pregnant woman as someone who with skinny arms and skinny legs and a little belly sticking out so obviously not a part of the rest of her petite figure. At this point, my protruding belly could easily be mistaken as the overweight rest of me.
Now, I keep fantasizing about how I plan to lose the weight during my maternity leave. I look forward to this all being over and getting back to my regular borderline-healthy body. The ridiculousness of this is not lost on me. Here, I spent years and most of our life savings on this goal, and now, not even a third of the way done, I'm looking forward to it being over.
Just to be clear, I was never a crash dieter. Mostly because I didn't have the stamina. I would occasionally follow SouthBeach or Wieght-Watchers, lose 5 pounds or so, and then become complacent. I never gained or loss more than 10 pounds in a year. Until infertility.
I'm not sure if was the medication effects, the fact I was no longer managing my hormones with birth control and now they were running amuck, some emotional over-eating from the stress of it all, or that I wasn't exercising as much because I constantly bloated and uncomfortable. It was probably a combination of all of this. Whatever the culprit, I gained 20 pounds in less then a year. Thirty pounds in two years. Three pant sizes. At times, this felt worse then not being able to ovulate.
I promised myself that if the IVF didn't work, we would take some time off of medications and I would focus on my health. It felt like a consolation prize - if I can't have a baby, then at least I want to fit back into my regular clothes.
So, here I am, twelve weeks pregnant. Almost out of the first trimester. I have weighed myself nearly every morning, as soon as I wake up. I watch the scale like a hawk. According to You: Having a Baby, women who begin overweight should gain 15-25 pounds total over the course of pregnancy, compared with the 25-35 pounds recommended for women beginning in the healthy weight range. Specific recommendations are that only 2 - 4 pounds should be gained in the first trimester, with another 8 - 13 in the second trimester, and 5 - 8 in the third. This is especially important for women with PCOS, because we are already at greater risk for rapid weight gain and gestational diabetes.
I am at just around three pounds so far. I'm on track. And I feel horrible. I think I keep focusing on the number because my body image is so skewed. I don't feel pregnant. I feel fat. When I have gained weight in the past, I've always carried it around middle. My pants get tight and this is a sign that the scale is tipping out of my favor. Now, my belly is expanding and my pants are tightening, and the scale is hardly budging.
I'm at this awkward, in-between stage where I'm not yet comfortable "coming out" as pregnant and wearing empire-waste shirts, but I feel horrible in my current attire. It feels like I'm hiding something, which I am. I keep scorning myself for starting out overweight and then I imagine the ideal pregnant woman as someone who with skinny arms and skinny legs and a little belly sticking out so obviously not a part of the rest of her petite figure. At this point, my protruding belly could easily be mistaken as the overweight rest of me.
Now, I keep fantasizing about how I plan to lose the weight during my maternity leave. I look forward to this all being over and getting back to my regular borderline-healthy body. The ridiculousness of this is not lost on me. Here, I spent years and most of our life savings on this goal, and now, not even a third of the way done, I'm looking forward to it being over.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
My First OB Appointment: High Emotions
In general, this blogging community has been an immense support, provided me with valuable information, and offered a safe-haven to truly understand and be understood. Yet, sometimes, I am faced with the primary draw-back. Hearing about others' success gives me hope. Reading about others' struggles when I am also struggling makes me feel less alone. But hearing about when things go wrong for others, when they seem to going right for you, just causes me anxiety and panic.
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