34 Weeks

34 weeks today. Six weeks to go. Time is a funny thing. Six weeks simultaneously feels both so short and also so long. Our joint calendar looks a little silly. September and October are full, little dots on almost every day with different appointments and engagements and to-dos. Then in November, there are no dots designating plans. The calendar is empty. Our life as we know it ends. We don't know exactly what to expect, but we're both prepared that it will be life-altering.

The fatigue has continued to be my biggest symptom, sometimes feeling nearly unbearable. Pair this with the many nights of pure insomnia, the kind where you lie awake pondering the meaning of life because you're brain has no intention of turning off, and I am often irritable and frustrated. On these days, my whole body feels sore and achey and my eyelids feel extra heavy. My feet continue to swell by the end of many days, but I have officially given up on professional work shoes and have found that wearing tennis shoes to work has been very helpful for this symptom. Heartburn, indigestion, and an occasional racing heart are also still present.

My little girl is relatively active, but not usually in a distracting way. I tell people that she moves around just enough to let me know that she's doing well, but it is not obtrusive. She tends to prefer to hang out my right side, which annoys me a little because I'd prefer symmetry. Today, her heart rate was approximately 150 bpm and all of my vitals were good. There are often times in the day where she positions herself in such a way that I feel all of my internal organs being smushed, breathing becomes painful, and I seriously question how she can possibly get any bigger. Then, I look in the mirror or down at my belly and remind myself that I still don't look that big. People have started making comments about how it looks like I could have her any day now and I get annoyed by this. I don't feel that I look this way yet and am most definitely not yet waddling (most of the time).

My weight is up approximately 30-32 pounds, depending on the day. This is more than I would have originally liked and more than is technically recommended considering I started off in the "overweight" category, but my doctor is fine with it and, surprisingly, I am too. Mostly, I've just accepted that it is what it is and I'll worry about it later. I do often still fantasize about developing a healthy eating and exercise plan once the baby is born. Fantasize is the key word here because in my current state of exhaustion and discomfort I can't possibly imagine starting anything like this now. I think this is also why acceptance of my weight gain is also so easy. I can't imagine doing anything different anyways. I only sometimes get upset when my face looks fat at certain angles and I did nearly cry on the day of our baby shower when I attempted to put on my wedding ring after months of avoiding this and it didn't even fit over my knuckle. Otherwise, my body image is alright. I have developed numerous stretch marks across my abdomen, a few small ones on my hips, and even a couple on my breasts; surprisingly, these don't upset me in the least.

Baby preparations have made huge strides in the past two weeks, thanks largely to two separate baby showers that I will talk about more specifically later on. We have our lamaze class this weekend. I still want to sign up for the "baby basics" and "breast-feeding basics" classes, but otherwise the logistical and physical preparation is nearing completion. The mental preparation is another story and probably nearly impossible. How can you possible mentally prepare for your world to change in such a dramatic and life-altering way?