I am alive. I am still pregnant.
We went forward with telling my immediate family during the break between the wedding and reception. Our daughter changed into "nap" clothes from the dress she was wearing in the hopes she would nap during the break. Her nap clothes consisted of a shirt that said "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walked out proudly, with no real idea what message she was delivering, and the family quickly caught on. They were excited. My mom expressed concern that "she's so young", being all of 2.5 years when the new baby will arrive, compared with the 4 year age gap between me and my next youngest sister. I made multiple comments that it was extremely early and we were still guarded.
The morning of my second blood test, I bled again for the last time. The test came back high and with a good doubling time.
Two weeks after this, at approximately 7 weeks gestation, I had my last ultrasound with the RE. One healthy heartbeat. I could feel C's relief. My own disappointment felt selfish and unnatural. They offered no explanation and no real concern for the bleeding.
I put off the first OB appointment because of my experience last time. Then I panicked because I wanted to have the nuchal translucency scan completed and we were approaching the deadline for scheduling this and would be out of town one the weeks in the acceptable window. My daughter came to the appointment did very well "reading books" during the PAP test and full exam. No confirmation of life was completed, but I was okay with this because I knew what to expect this time.
Instead I scheduled the nuchal translucency scan as soon as possible to confirm life. I think I was secretly and partially hoping that they missed something during the first ultrasound. That the second embryo implanted and was growing secretly this whole time. That the bleeding was not a miscarriage.
The scan went well. All is normal with minimal risk for the screened genetic conditions. Still one baby, now the size of a strawberry.
I have been feeling a near-constant combination of nausea and heartburn. It almost feels like constant car-sickness. All topped off with overwhelming fatigue. Sometimes the nausea is worse and sometimes the heartburn is the dominant symptom, but I am rarely getting full relief.
I debate with myself if I feel worse then last time or if it just seems worse because I am now juggling pregnancy with mothering a toddler and home-ownership, in addition to the full time job I managed last time. Either way, it has not been pleasant.
I feel guilty for being a "lazy" parent. I feel apathetic towards my work. I often feel disengaged with this pregnancy, despite my tightening waistband. I have been obsessed with trying to guess the gender, both hoping this well help me to feel more connected and also anxious that my daughter may never get to experience sisterhood.
Officially beginning the 13th week, I am hopeful the second trimester will bring more enthusiasm and less negativity.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
A Happy Occasion
My second-cousin is getting married today. I am so happy for her and excited for the festivities. It will be a big Russian celebration filled with a mix of folk and modern music and so many of our family members. These are best types of receptions and I have been anticipating it for a while now.
The ceremony is in the early afternoon, meaning that there will be several hours before the reception begins in the evening. My immediate family had planned to go to the hotel near the reception location to spend time together. My sister and her baby (and husband) will be there from out-of-town and it will be a relatively rare occasion when my whole family is together in one place.
During the intermission, we planned to have our daughter (hopefully) take a nap in one of the hotel rooms while the adults spend time next door. I fantasized about changing her into more comfortable clothes for napping, which happen to be a new shirt saying "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walks out into the other room to tell everyone her favorite word ("bye!"), they notice the shirt, and everyone is shocked and excited. It is perfect. I bought the shirt and it arrived today.
Then there was the spotting, that fact that there is only one HCG number 5 days ago, and the reminder that I do not feel an ounce pregnant aside from enlarged breasts.
I am so torn about this. On the one hand, this is a rare opportunity to actually tell some of my immediate family in person and I'm not sure when I will next see my sister. Plus, keeping it from them for a multi-hour hiatus where I am sure alcohol beverages will be the primary option and then again for an entire wedding reception (the stereotypes of Russian weddings and vodka are accurate) sounds nearly impossible. I have also heard that it could be useful to tell anyone that you would want support from if it did go wrong. My family isn't always the most supportive (although having multiple psychologist friends, I probably have exceptionally high standards of support), but I would definitely want them to know no matter what the eventual outcome.
On the flip side, making such a big show of it this early (5 weeks, 3 days assuming all is well) seems inappropriate. I hate believing in jinxes, but I do and this seems like I'm setting myself up.
But this was what I wanted. I purposefully didn't tell anyone in my family ahead of time, unlike our first IVF, because I really wanted to be able to actually surprise them. I really wanted to see their expressions morph from confusion to shock to joy. I felt robbed of this experience last time and I really really wanted to reclaim that.
As far as I see, I have the following options:
A) Trust the tests results and nurses' reassurance, live my fantasy, and enjoy the moment.
B) Try my best to continue hiding it through the festivities, hope they don't notice or suspect anything, and then attempt a different "reveal" after the ultrasound.
C) Tell them tomorrow, but without the big show/shirt. Present it with cautious optimism given the circumstances and avoid the bravado.
The first two options feel very risky, each in their own way, and the third option is just disappointing.
I am honestly still undecided. C mentioned we could always pack the shirt and decide in the moment, but I am usually much more thoughtful then this. Stay tuned! ...or feel free to chime in with an opinion...
The ceremony is in the early afternoon, meaning that there will be several hours before the reception begins in the evening. My immediate family had planned to go to the hotel near the reception location to spend time together. My sister and her baby (and husband) will be there from out-of-town and it will be a relatively rare occasion when my whole family is together in one place.
During the intermission, we planned to have our daughter (hopefully) take a nap in one of the hotel rooms while the adults spend time next door. I fantasized about changing her into more comfortable clothes for napping, which happen to be a new shirt saying "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walks out into the other room to tell everyone her favorite word ("bye!"), they notice the shirt, and everyone is shocked and excited. It is perfect. I bought the shirt and it arrived today.
Then there was the spotting, that fact that there is only one HCG number 5 days ago, and the reminder that I do not feel an ounce pregnant aside from enlarged breasts.
I am so torn about this. On the one hand, this is a rare opportunity to actually tell some of my immediate family in person and I'm not sure when I will next see my sister. Plus, keeping it from them for a multi-hour hiatus where I am sure alcohol beverages will be the primary option and then again for an entire wedding reception (the stereotypes of Russian weddings and vodka are accurate) sounds nearly impossible. I have also heard that it could be useful to tell anyone that you would want support from if it did go wrong. My family isn't always the most supportive (although having multiple psychologist friends, I probably have exceptionally high standards of support), but I would definitely want them to know no matter what the eventual outcome.
On the flip side, making such a big show of it this early (5 weeks, 3 days assuming all is well) seems inappropriate. I hate believing in jinxes, but I do and this seems like I'm setting myself up.
But this was what I wanted. I purposefully didn't tell anyone in my family ahead of time, unlike our first IVF, because I really wanted to be able to actually surprise them. I really wanted to see their expressions morph from confusion to shock to joy. I felt robbed of this experience last time and I really really wanted to reclaim that.
As far as I see, I have the following options:
A) Trust the tests results and nurses' reassurance, live my fantasy, and enjoy the moment.
B) Try my best to continue hiding it through the festivities, hope they don't notice or suspect anything, and then attempt a different "reveal" after the ultrasound.
C) Tell them tomorrow, but without the big show/shirt. Present it with cautious optimism given the circumstances and avoid the bravado.
The first two options feel very risky, each in their own way, and the third option is just disappointing.
I am honestly still undecided. C mentioned we could always pack the shirt and decide in the moment, but I am usually much more thoughtful then this. Stay tuned! ...or feel free to chime in with an opinion...
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
623.8
The nurse was very pleased as she told me the blood work was positive. I was pregnant. She asked about my spotting, which has continued, and didn't seem to be concerned at all. At all.
They want me to return in a week for a second HCG reading. This is when I started to cry on the phone, trying to keep it muffled. An entire week to see if the number is rising or falling. An ultrasound wouldn't be for a week after that. Two weeks to determine if I am in the process of miscarrying one embryo right now.
I want to believe her that there is nothing be worried about. I want to trust the high number. I want to feel overjoyed with excitement that the FET was successful and I am pregnant for a second time.
As soon I got off the phone, I went to bathroom to find more blood. It was brighter red and with a small clot again. As if just to remind me that this wasn't over.
In the research I could muster, approximately 20-25% of pregnancies will have first trimester bleeding episode(s). The research reports that 50% of these will end with a healthy birth. The other half aren't so lucky. I also read that bleeding is more likely in the case of twin pregnancies.
On this exact day in my first pregnancy, the HCG was over 1,000. This was with two blastocysts transferred, one healthy heartbeat discovered the following week, and no bleeding. I could not find any research comparing blood test results from one pregnancy to the next and what this could imply. Clearly my research has not been particularly helpful or comforting.
My fear is that I was pregnant three days ago. Then the bleeding began with a full miscarriage to follow but the HCG was still high today. My fear is that it was higher three days ago and now it is dropping.
My other fear is that all of this is a partial miscarriage of one of the embryos. In two weeks we are going to find one developing embryo and remnants of a second. They say that if not implanted the embryo will likely just "re-absorb" into the uterus, which is what I am assuming occurred with our first IVF. I find this oddly comforting. It is still with me, reabsorbed within me, because it was not suitable to grow into a human on its own. This is much more comforting then the embryo being slowly dejected from my body. I fear now that if there is one embryo on the ultrasound in two weeks that I won't have any other interpretation of the bleeding but this and it sickens me.
I tell myself to trust the nurse and medical team. I tell myself that there is nothing anyone can do at this point regardless of the outcome. I tell myself to take care of my body and the likelihood that I am supporting life. None of this seems natural. And with my "high" number, I feel so ungrateful and whiny that I am not more enthusiastic and hopeful. This is not at all the reaction to a positive pregnancy test I expected from myself.
They want me to return in a week for a second HCG reading. This is when I started to cry on the phone, trying to keep it muffled. An entire week to see if the number is rising or falling. An ultrasound wouldn't be for a week after that. Two weeks to determine if I am in the process of miscarrying one embryo right now.
I want to believe her that there is nothing be worried about. I want to trust the high number. I want to feel overjoyed with excitement that the FET was successful and I am pregnant for a second time.
As soon I got off the phone, I went to bathroom to find more blood. It was brighter red and with a small clot again. As if just to remind me that this wasn't over.
In the research I could muster, approximately 20-25% of pregnancies will have first trimester bleeding episode(s). The research reports that 50% of these will end with a healthy birth. The other half aren't so lucky. I also read that bleeding is more likely in the case of twin pregnancies.
On this exact day in my first pregnancy, the HCG was over 1,000. This was with two blastocysts transferred, one healthy heartbeat discovered the following week, and no bleeding. I could not find any research comparing blood test results from one pregnancy to the next and what this could imply. Clearly my research has not been particularly helpful or comforting.
My fear is that I was pregnant three days ago. Then the bleeding began with a full miscarriage to follow but the HCG was still high today. My fear is that it was higher three days ago and now it is dropping.
My other fear is that all of this is a partial miscarriage of one of the embryos. In two weeks we are going to find one developing embryo and remnants of a second. They say that if not implanted the embryo will likely just "re-absorb" into the uterus, which is what I am assuming occurred with our first IVF. I find this oddly comforting. It is still with me, reabsorbed within me, because it was not suitable to grow into a human on its own. This is much more comforting then the embryo being slowly dejected from my body. I fear now that if there is one embryo on the ultrasound in two weeks that I won't have any other interpretation of the bleeding but this and it sickens me.
I tell myself to trust the nurse and medical team. I tell myself that there is nothing anyone can do at this point regardless of the outcome. I tell myself to take care of my body and the likelihood that I am supporting life. None of this seems natural. And with my "high" number, I feel so ungrateful and whiny that I am not more enthusiastic and hopeful. This is not at all the reaction to a positive pregnancy test I expected from myself.
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