Sunday, August 14, 2016

Privacy and Support

I made a conscious decision at the very beginning of us talking about a second child that I did not want anyone to know about us "trying".

Last time my family knew quite a bit. I didn't divulge nearly as many details as my sister, but they knew the retrieval date and the transfer date. So did several friends and coworkers, largely because of how it all played out with the ED and internal bleeding issue. Mostly, though, it was because I wanted and needed support. This was a long road and I needed to be able to talk about it and explain away my moodiness.

The down side of telling everyone ahead of time is that they are reasonable humans who can then logically induce when you would be able know if you are pregnant. This changes the entire dynamic of the "reveal". It is no longer a surprise because they are anticipating an answer, and there are only two options.

This time I wanted to be able to surprise them. I was to come out of nowhere. I want to see a different emotion on their face: the combination of shock and joy, not the combination of joy and relief.

I still want that. However, I seem to have underestimated the need for support. Any my horrible ability at lying or anything that seems like like lying, such as withholding the truth.

I told my boss on Friday. He is called me into his office for an impromptu meeting on a topic he likes to call "succession planning" where he tells me that he would like me to take over his job sometime. This first started occurring right before our daughter was born, so by this time I have gotten used to hearing about it but not expecting anything. However, this time was different. This time he started talking about an immediacy and I actually got him to give me some concrete dates/time-lines. His current plan is to make an announcement at the large full-department meeting this fall and then spend a year training me and a back-up person to take over. With this information, I felt compelled to tell him that I will not be present for part of that year if everything goes according to plan. More pressing was the fact that, if everything goes according to plan, my first trimester will be nearing its end right around the departmental meeting and I this did not seem like a good time for him to learn about that news.

A few weeks ago, due to another set of unforeseen circumstances, I ended up divulging a lot of specific details to one of the physicians whose office is next to mine and one of the graduating fellows (I should really devote a whole post to this one). Now the physician asks how I'm feeling every time she sees me.

My best friend knows that we are trying sometime this summer and my best co-worker friend knows that we are actively trying now, but I didn't tell her the specific transfer date.

So it turns out I am really not good at this keeping this private.

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