This is not about the anxiety about my blood draw results tomorrow. That is there, yes, but this time I am aware of a different type of anxiety. It nears ambivalence, but ambivalence seems like too strong of a word to use.
This is the anxiety about if everything does work out. The blood work comes back positive and so does the next one. The ultrasound sound shows a heart beat, or two. The trisomy test is negative and the anatomy scan is normal. Sometime in April, 2017 we welcome home one [or two] healthy child[ren].
This scenario is anxiety provoking in a way I didn't feel with our daughter. With her, the anticipation was entirely positive. And it largely has been. She's had her share of challenges, but she is perfect to us. Our family is near perfect as well. On many days I would argue it is perfect. Which then makes me question, Why are we trying change this?
I question how our daughter will react to a new sibling and how we will manage with dividing our time and our resources. When I spend hours in the evenings playing tea-party and reading books, I am now acutely aware that this will not be possible with a second child. At least not in this way. I get sad when I think about the new child getting attention from others and the thought of our daughter getting brushed aside. I'm not sure how much of this is rationale.
This time I also go into pregnancy and motherhood unblinded. I miss the snuggles and fresh-baby-smell but I am not looking forward to returning to sleepless nights and those periods then they are inconsolable and nothing you do can stop the crying. I cringe when I think about the heartburn of the third trimester and the inability to be comfortable for months at a time. Trying to do all of this with a toddler sounds like an impossible feat.
Yet, clearly having a second, or third, or fourth child has worked out a million times over for women across the world. I have two siblings and my husband has three. I can't imagine growing up without siblings and wouldn't want that for my daughter. I look forward to watching them play together and hearing them giggle in their bedrooms when they should be sleeping. I believe our daughter will be a wonderful, albeit sometimes bossy, big sister.
If the results are positive, I look forward to eventually being able to talk with other mothers on how they balance a second child. Until then, at least I have the blogging world.