I have not felt creative lately. Actually, I have still been feeling low energy and unenthusiastic about most things; blog-writing, work, pregnancy. Despite this, I keep chugging along. In reality, I am grateful for where I am at and what is going on in my life. I need to do a better job of embracing this.
I am thankful to be pregnant with our second child. We are extremely lucky that our IVF was successful on the first attempt for both pregnancies. We are blessed with what is currently a second healthy pregnancy with minimal complications currently. I will be 18 weeks tomorrow and thus far have only had to contend with fatigue, intermittent nausea, and growing heartburn. It is thus far remarkably similar to our last pregnancy. At my last OB visit, my blood pressure was excellent and my weight was "good". (I am up more weight then I would have liked at this point given starting off overweight again, right around 11 pounds, but it's too bad so I am just accepting it for it is.)
I am thankful for my daughter. She lights up my life and brings me such pride and joy. Yes, there are days when I feel too tired and apathetic to be a good parent and lose interest in her repetitive play, but mostly I love watching her grow and develop.
I am thankful for my husband. Lately, likely due to some hormonal surges, I have felt such a renewed of love for him. I cannot believe that we've been together for over a decade now and we still enjoy each others' company. He is such a great father and I am so lucky to have him as a partner.
I am thankful for my job. It is secure and it generally brings me a sense of accomplishment and goodwill. There are many days that it also brings me stress, but I would also never be content in a job without a challenge. It also provides an income that helps us to feel relatively financially secure.
I am also thankful that we are currently in a place where I am optimistic we will be able to weather the next four years. We both have stable jobs and a 30-year-mortgage in a home we love. Our daughter will hopefully have no memories of a time when the country turned its back on women, immigrants, and minorities. I have full faith in MLK's words that "The arc of the moral universe if long, but it bends towards justice".
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
Still here. Still Pregnant.
I am alive. I am still pregnant.
We went forward with telling my immediate family during the break between the wedding and reception. Our daughter changed into "nap" clothes from the dress she was wearing in the hopes she would nap during the break. Her nap clothes consisted of a shirt that said "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walked out proudly, with no real idea what message she was delivering, and the family quickly caught on. They were excited. My mom expressed concern that "she's so young", being all of 2.5 years when the new baby will arrive, compared with the 4 year age gap between me and my next youngest sister. I made multiple comments that it was extremely early and we were still guarded.
The morning of my second blood test, I bled again for the last time. The test came back high and with a good doubling time.
Two weeks after this, at approximately 7 weeks gestation, I had my last ultrasound with the RE. One healthy heartbeat. I could feel C's relief. My own disappointment felt selfish and unnatural. They offered no explanation and no real concern for the bleeding.
I put off the first OB appointment because of my experience last time. Then I panicked because I wanted to have the nuchal translucency scan completed and we were approaching the deadline for scheduling this and would be out of town one the weeks in the acceptable window. My daughter came to the appointment did very well "reading books" during the PAP test and full exam. No confirmation of life was completed, but I was okay with this because I knew what to expect this time.
Instead I scheduled the nuchal translucency scan as soon as possible to confirm life. I think I was secretly and partially hoping that they missed something during the first ultrasound. That the second embryo implanted and was growing secretly this whole time. That the bleeding was not a miscarriage.
The scan went well. All is normal with minimal risk for the screened genetic conditions. Still one baby, now the size of a strawberry.
I have been feeling a near-constant combination of nausea and heartburn. It almost feels like constant car-sickness. All topped off with overwhelming fatigue. Sometimes the nausea is worse and sometimes the heartburn is the dominant symptom, but I am rarely getting full relief.
I debate with myself if I feel worse then last time or if it just seems worse because I am now juggling pregnancy with mothering a toddler and home-ownership, in addition to the full time job I managed last time. Either way, it has not been pleasant.
I feel guilty for being a "lazy" parent. I feel apathetic towards my work. I often feel disengaged with this pregnancy, despite my tightening waistband. I have been obsessed with trying to guess the gender, both hoping this well help me to feel more connected and also anxious that my daughter may never get to experience sisterhood.
Officially beginning the 13th week, I am hopeful the second trimester will bring more enthusiasm and less negativity.
We went forward with telling my immediate family during the break between the wedding and reception. Our daughter changed into "nap" clothes from the dress she was wearing in the hopes she would nap during the break. Her nap clothes consisted of a shirt that said "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walked out proudly, with no real idea what message she was delivering, and the family quickly caught on. They were excited. My mom expressed concern that "she's so young", being all of 2.5 years when the new baby will arrive, compared with the 4 year age gap between me and my next youngest sister. I made multiple comments that it was extremely early and we were still guarded.
The morning of my second blood test, I bled again for the last time. The test came back high and with a good doubling time.
Two weeks after this, at approximately 7 weeks gestation, I had my last ultrasound with the RE. One healthy heartbeat. I could feel C's relief. My own disappointment felt selfish and unnatural. They offered no explanation and no real concern for the bleeding.
I put off the first OB appointment because of my experience last time. Then I panicked because I wanted to have the nuchal translucency scan completed and we were approaching the deadline for scheduling this and would be out of town one the weeks in the acceptable window. My daughter came to the appointment did very well "reading books" during the PAP test and full exam. No confirmation of life was completed, but I was okay with this because I knew what to expect this time.
Instead I scheduled the nuchal translucency scan as soon as possible to confirm life. I think I was secretly and partially hoping that they missed something during the first ultrasound. That the second embryo implanted and was growing secretly this whole time. That the bleeding was not a miscarriage.
The scan went well. All is normal with minimal risk for the screened genetic conditions. Still one baby, now the size of a strawberry.
I have been feeling a near-constant combination of nausea and heartburn. It almost feels like constant car-sickness. All topped off with overwhelming fatigue. Sometimes the nausea is worse and sometimes the heartburn is the dominant symptom, but I am rarely getting full relief.
I debate with myself if I feel worse then last time or if it just seems worse because I am now juggling pregnancy with mothering a toddler and home-ownership, in addition to the full time job I managed last time. Either way, it has not been pleasant.
I feel guilty for being a "lazy" parent. I feel apathetic towards my work. I often feel disengaged with this pregnancy, despite my tightening waistband. I have been obsessed with trying to guess the gender, both hoping this well help me to feel more connected and also anxious that my daughter may never get to experience sisterhood.
Officially beginning the 13th week, I am hopeful the second trimester will bring more enthusiasm and less negativity.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
A Happy Occasion
My second-cousin is getting married today. I am so happy for her and excited for the festivities. It will be a big Russian celebration filled with a mix of folk and modern music and so many of our family members. These are best types of receptions and I have been anticipating it for a while now.
The ceremony is in the early afternoon, meaning that there will be several hours before the reception begins in the evening. My immediate family had planned to go to the hotel near the reception location to spend time together. My sister and her baby (and husband) will be there from out-of-town and it will be a relatively rare occasion when my whole family is together in one place.
During the intermission, we planned to have our daughter (hopefully) take a nap in one of the hotel rooms while the adults spend time next door. I fantasized about changing her into more comfortable clothes for napping, which happen to be a new shirt saying "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walks out into the other room to tell everyone her favorite word ("bye!"), they notice the shirt, and everyone is shocked and excited. It is perfect. I bought the shirt and it arrived today.
Then there was the spotting, that fact that there is only one HCG number 5 days ago, and the reminder that I do not feel an ounce pregnant aside from enlarged breasts.
I am so torn about this. On the one hand, this is a rare opportunity to actually tell some of my immediate family in person and I'm not sure when I will next see my sister. Plus, keeping it from them for a multi-hour hiatus where I am sure alcohol beverages will be the primary option and then again for an entire wedding reception (the stereotypes of Russian weddings and vodka are accurate) sounds nearly impossible. I have also heard that it could be useful to tell anyone that you would want support from if it did go wrong. My family isn't always the most supportive (although having multiple psychologist friends, I probably have exceptionally high standards of support), but I would definitely want them to know no matter what the eventual outcome.
On the flip side, making such a big show of it this early (5 weeks, 3 days assuming all is well) seems inappropriate. I hate believing in jinxes, but I do and this seems like I'm setting myself up.
But this was what I wanted. I purposefully didn't tell anyone in my family ahead of time, unlike our first IVF, because I really wanted to be able to actually surprise them. I really wanted to see their expressions morph from confusion to shock to joy. I felt robbed of this experience last time and I really really wanted to reclaim that.
As far as I see, I have the following options:
A) Trust the tests results and nurses' reassurance, live my fantasy, and enjoy the moment.
B) Try my best to continue hiding it through the festivities, hope they don't notice or suspect anything, and then attempt a different "reveal" after the ultrasound.
C) Tell them tomorrow, but without the big show/shirt. Present it with cautious optimism given the circumstances and avoid the bravado.
The first two options feel very risky, each in their own way, and the third option is just disappointing.
I am honestly still undecided. C mentioned we could always pack the shirt and decide in the moment, but I am usually much more thoughtful then this. Stay tuned! ...or feel free to chime in with an opinion...
The ceremony is in the early afternoon, meaning that there will be several hours before the reception begins in the evening. My immediate family had planned to go to the hotel near the reception location to spend time together. My sister and her baby (and husband) will be there from out-of-town and it will be a relatively rare occasion when my whole family is together in one place.
During the intermission, we planned to have our daughter (hopefully) take a nap in one of the hotel rooms while the adults spend time next door. I fantasized about changing her into more comfortable clothes for napping, which happen to be a new shirt saying "Big Sister, Est. 2017". She walks out into the other room to tell everyone her favorite word ("bye!"), they notice the shirt, and everyone is shocked and excited. It is perfect. I bought the shirt and it arrived today.
Then there was the spotting, that fact that there is only one HCG number 5 days ago, and the reminder that I do not feel an ounce pregnant aside from enlarged breasts.
I am so torn about this. On the one hand, this is a rare opportunity to actually tell some of my immediate family in person and I'm not sure when I will next see my sister. Plus, keeping it from them for a multi-hour hiatus where I am sure alcohol beverages will be the primary option and then again for an entire wedding reception (the stereotypes of Russian weddings and vodka are accurate) sounds nearly impossible. I have also heard that it could be useful to tell anyone that you would want support from if it did go wrong. My family isn't always the most supportive (although having multiple psychologist friends, I probably have exceptionally high standards of support), but I would definitely want them to know no matter what the eventual outcome.
On the flip side, making such a big show of it this early (5 weeks, 3 days assuming all is well) seems inappropriate. I hate believing in jinxes, but I do and this seems like I'm setting myself up.
But this was what I wanted. I purposefully didn't tell anyone in my family ahead of time, unlike our first IVF, because I really wanted to be able to actually surprise them. I really wanted to see their expressions morph from confusion to shock to joy. I felt robbed of this experience last time and I really really wanted to reclaim that.
As far as I see, I have the following options:
A) Trust the tests results and nurses' reassurance, live my fantasy, and enjoy the moment.
B) Try my best to continue hiding it through the festivities, hope they don't notice or suspect anything, and then attempt a different "reveal" after the ultrasound.
C) Tell them tomorrow, but without the big show/shirt. Present it with cautious optimism given the circumstances and avoid the bravado.
The first two options feel very risky, each in their own way, and the third option is just disappointing.
I am honestly still undecided. C mentioned we could always pack the shirt and decide in the moment, but I am usually much more thoughtful then this. Stay tuned! ...or feel free to chime in with an opinion...
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