I Haven't Forgotten the Blog

I read my subscribed blogs daily, get inspiring thoughts, and then flag them to return later and comment. I never do. I have random flashes of blog ideas and thoughts I want to share, making mental notes to express this later. Then 10 days go by and I realize that I've been essentially been off the grid. When did that happen? I've been here, thinking and reading, but there is no evidence of any of it. What have I been doing?

I think I've actually been doing less introspection and more living. In the practice of mindfulness, we learn that there are two states of living - thinking and being. I've been heavy on the doing, on the being.

I spent much of the weekend helping my mom re-organize the house and tackle the "have a place for everything, and everything in it's place." We now have a place for everything in the dinning room, kitchen, living room, hallway/closets, and laundry room. The family room and foyer are still works-in-progress, as are C's and my bedroom, office/eventual-nursery, and den.

We then went outside to tackle some of the flower beds; weeding and mulching and planting. Yes, this is late in the season, but having the baby shower at their house has lit a new fire under my parents to re-invest in their home.

All this work upset my back (still guilty of occasionally forgetting I am pregnant) and I spent the evening soaking in the tub.

The other weekend day, I went to work to get caught up on paperwork and also to work on some big projects. I was in the office for about four hours and got half of everything I wanted to accomplish finished, but it still felt good to cross things off my list and be productive in the quiet of the hospital when no one else is around.

We then went shopping for supplies to entertain C's nieces who will be visiting with us next week and also stuff for the home, to assist with the organizing and decorating.

C was busy studying for his very last final of nursing school. It was stressful and he was on the verge of the failing, and the stress was felt throughout the house. We found out on Tuesday that he passed the test, and therefore the class, and will now officially be graduating in just over a week!

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my best friend from graduate school who had her IVF transfer. Then there was the waiting. Then there were the results. She is pregnant! Two positive betas and an ultra-sound scheduled in a week. I am so so so happy for her, I can't even begin to express it.

I also spent a lot of time on the phone with my sisters. My cousin broke up with his live-in girlfriend. My sister is trying to hook him up with her friend. My other sister is planning to come visit in a few weeks and trying to plan the trip. There is always some sort of family drama.

At work, I became involved in several big projects. I started a new practicum student working under my supervision and oriented her. I interviewed potential candidates to be hired as my assistant, with goal to expand the practice significantly. I met with my boss and my administrator on beginning the process of an internship program and submitting for a grant, which was very highly received. These are all exciting endeavors, but also overwhelming and very time intensive. Sometimes I question my motives for signing up for these things at this point in time, as if I am trying to prove something: Having a child does not change my career ambitions.

I caught up with some old friends and colleagues. On three different nights after work I had dinners/happy hours planned with work colleagues. It was nice to be connected to people outside the office environment.

We were also working on finishing up the baby registry, finalizing and ordering the baby shower invitations, and beginning to work on addressing all the envelopes.

Yes, I have been living. It's been good, but exhausting. At times it feels like avoidance. Avoidance of introspection. Avoidance of the huge life change that will be occurring in about 14 weeks. In the practice of mindfulness, they talk about the necessary balance between thinking and being. I'm not great at balance, but being has been a lovely reprieve from mourning.