Saturday, July 30, 2016

It's Just The Hormones

My lining check on Friday was "not where [they'd] like it to be". In fact, it actually seemed slightly thinner then when measured on Tuesday. Regardless, they are increasing the Estrodial dose to four pills (three oral and one transvaginal) and having me return on Monday. My tentative transfer date was cancelled and I am thankful I didn't actual move around any patients yet. Depending the Monday results, we will discuss a new transfer date.

Objectively, I am okay with this. It is just [hopefully], a small delay. No biggie. Emotionally, I am frustrated with my body and this process. I am also concerned with prolonging the estrogen supplementation. The side effects on this round have not been enjoyable. Let's review:

1. The first few days there was the urinary urgency, but this only rarely occurs lately.

2. The bloating is upsetting and not just in my head. I've gained nearly 7 pounds since starting this medication. Last week, one of the employees at the hospital cafeteria asked if I just had a baby (a whole new twist on the "Are you pregnant?" question). I don't have a superb memory, but I can tell you the exact times that people have commented on my body in relation to pregnancy:

  • A random time in high school or college while checking out at a craft store by the cashier. 
  • Three times during my last pregnancy attempts: My not-boss, a lady at church, and a patient's mother. 
  • Numerous times when actually pregnancy. (However, I pride myself in that I gave off a sufficient vibe that my belly was only ever manhandled once, by a cousin who is known for not always being socially appropriate.)
  • A hospital cafeteria employee, one week into the estrogen supplementation. 
Remembering these comments all bring back the raw emotions of getting punched in the gut. I'm know my stomach is where my body first holds it weight, but looking pregnant before you are pregnant, when you're trying desperately to become pregnant and it's not an easy feat, adds an extra level of bite that is hard to put into words. 

3. The moodiness. I joked about this the other day, but it is no longer a joke. I no longer feel like myself. My body has been taken over by an irrational, highly sensitive person who tends towards depression and despair. I still can't cry, but I want to often. I've lost motivation at work. I snap at C easily and have little patience with anyone else. I am not pleasant to be around. I don't want to be around me!

I feel like this is different than last time. C and I have spent a lot of time talking about this and he very gently reminds me that I was also very moody and irritable last time, and I do have some evidence in writing to back this up. But this time it's different. If not an actual different flavor of moodiness, which I'm still not counting-out, I know it's different because this time I feel more self-aware. I think last time I may have felt these same emotions but the sense was that the emotions were a part of me. I felt connected to them. 

This time, I know that it's the hormones. Objectively I still feel hopeful, despite my body's uncooperative nature. Objectively I know that I do not have major reasons to feel the way I do. But that doesn't stop the feelings. The emotions have railroaded any rational thoughts and are actively working to suffocate the person that I was two weeks ago. My mind is trying to hold on to that old person, but I am worried it is losing the battle. I don't want to slip back into depression. Depression and I go way back: there are two time periods in my life I only remember shrouded in darkness. I feel like I'm actively fight against this and it's exhausting and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. It's concerning that this change has happened so quickly and I get overwhelmed thinking that I may have many, many more weeks of this. I believe that if I can hold on to the rational person fighting for a voice that I still have a chance, and so I have been separating out the irrational hormonal person that has possessed my body as much as possible. My current mantra: It's just the hormones, it's just the hormones, it's just the hormones... 

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