On this latest round of Provera, I'm up another few pounds and my fat clothes are starting to feel uncomfortable. I'm really anxious about the injectables adding on even more weight/bloat so in anticipation for this possibility, I decided to go shopping today for some new bottoms that might be more forgiving. I am into the whole skirt/tights/boots look and that this might be a good strategy so that was my mission of the day. Plus I didn't want to spend a lot of money because I'm still convinced that this will not be a permanent situation.
I may have had a small melt-down in the fitting room of Old Navy.
In the grand scheme of infertility, complaining about my weight and body image issues seems petty and self-absorbed. But I can't help how I feel. Here are the issues:
1. I don't feel comfortable in my body. I definitely don't feel comfortable being naked, which I know has affected my desire for intimacy with C. Frankly, I feel disgusting much of the time and today I looked in the full-length mirror with the florescent lighted-fitting-rooms and could hardly recognize my body. This is not me.
2. I am terrified of being asked if I am pregnant. In the past 6 months, this has already happened on three different occasions. A colleague. A family friend at church. A patient's mother. Each time, I froze and then responded awkwardly that I wasn't and proceeded to feel humiliated and horrible the rest of the day.
3. At the hospital I work for, our health insurance cost is based on the state of our health and healthy behaviors. If you're considered healthy, you need to show that you're physically active to maintain the lowest premiums. If you have one of several chronic health conditions (including being overweight/obese), you have other specific requirements (e.g. for diabetes, maintaining good blood sugar levels; for overweight, losing a set amount of weight). I am now officially 5 pounds over their cutoff of the overweight category (it's a BMI of 27, I assume to give people a little extra leeway). If I am still over the cutoff by the end of the year, then I'll be in the overweight category and then, in order to keep the lowest premiums, I'll be required to lose weight. Which would be great, if I wasn't trying to get pregnant and therefore gain weight. Normally, I fully support this policy, but in the current situation it seems utterly unfair. Truthfully, I haven't fully looked into this to see if there is a pregnancy clause or if I can get a letter from my Doctor explaining my situation. My hope is that I won't have to. In the meanwhile, this is one other aspect that stresses me out.
4. Having PCOS puts me at greater risk for miscarriage and gestational diabetes. Starting off a pregnancy in the most healthy state possible is really important to me but the longer I am infertile, the worse my health seems to be getting.