Teaching Myself

After teaching a relaxation exercise to a highly wound tween and explaining the effects of anxiety on her physiological responses to her parents, her father asked me a question. "As someone who teaches relaxation every day, are you a really relaxed person?" Ha! My answer had something to do with being able to relate and empathize with these kids.

In reality, I can only assume that reinforcing positive coping strategies on a daily basis in my work has been helpful for me personally. Who knows how stressed I would be otherwise. Sometimes I catch my thoughts taking over and heading straight into panic mode, but I can usually stop this before it gets out of control.

What if my procedure tomorrow is as painful and horrible as the HSG? What if they find something that counter indicates IVF? What if my random bleeding is suggestive of cancer? What if C's sperm quality somehow changed dramatically in the last 9 months? 

I take a deep breath and remind myself that it will all be ok. Things are rarely as bad as I fear they will be. The meeting with my boss last week was very helpful, not worth the anxiety it caused ahead of time. The "period" last week lasted only a day and my doctor didn't seem concerned (although I'd still like more of an explanation for this). Both doctors assured me that the hysteroscopy is nothing compared with the HSG. There has been no other signs that the testing won't be completely normal. If anything, C has only gotten healthier and there is no reason that he would have a significant change. Tomorrow will likely bring only positive news and more a solidified plan towards beginning our IVF journey.

My hospital has a "meditation chapel" for families of all faiths to find solace. I have been utilizing this room myself lately. After I am done with my work, when most everyone else is gone and the hospital is quiet, I will sit and think and pray. With this practice, I have developed a calming sense of acceptance. This will all work out. We will be ok. I will be a mother. Someday.