Last night I asked C if we were rushing into this and being impulsive. He very quickly and assuredly responded, “No,” which was helpful, but then asked what my thoughts were. My thoughts are ambivalent. On the one hand, we/I have put a lot of thought into this. I’ve read scientific articles, received two sound medical opinions, and scoured our financial situation. All evidence supports this decision. I firmly believe this is the right way to go. We have the means (our home-down payment that is just begging to be used, albeit this wasn’t what we originally had in mind). I am only getting older, and my upcoming birthday keeps taunting me.
But then I hear about/read about others who have struggled for so much longer than us. Years longer than us. Numerous failed IUI’s longer than us. Miscarriages longer than us. Then I feel guilty about not putting in our due time before jumping to the big leagues. As if I we’re obligated to play in the freshman and then JV teams before being promoted to varsity. Cognitively, I know this isn’t how it works. I know this is silly. But then my minor ambivalence turns into anxiety that this will doom our chance at success and then I get panicky. Then I begin thinking about how we’re going all-in and we’re going to end up homeless* and childless. I then a take a few deep breaths and make myself some tea. For those just tuning in... I'd like to say I'm not normally this nutty, but I can't make any promises. Happy ICLW Week!
*Yes, I know this is dramatic. My parents have assured me that I will always have a home with them if we need/want. But I want my own home. Is it too much to ask to be a grown-up and have our own home and a child?