Last night I asked C if we were rushing into this and being impulsive. He very quickly and assuredly responded, “No,” which was helpful, but then asked what my thoughts were. My thoughts are ambivalent. On the one hand, we/I have put a lot of thought into this. I’ve read scientific articles, received two sound medical opinions, and scoured our financial situation. All evidence supports this decision. I firmly believe this is the right way to go. We have the means (our home-down payment that is just begging to be used, albeit this wasn’t what we originally had in mind). I am only getting older, and my upcoming birthday keeps taunting me.
But then I hear about/read about others who have struggled for so much longer than us. Years longer than us. Numerous failed IUI’s longer than us. Miscarriages longer than us. Then I feel guilty about not putting in our due time before jumping to the big leagues. As if I we’re obligated to play in the freshman and then JV teams before being promoted to varsity. Cognitively, I know this isn’t how it works. I know this is silly. But then my minor ambivalence turns into anxiety that this will doom our chance at success and then I get panicky. Then I begin thinking about how we’re going all-in and we’re going to end up homeless* and childless. I then a take a few deep breaths and make myself some tea. For those just tuning in... I'd like to say I'm not normally this nutty, but I can't make any promises. Happy ICLW Week!
*Yes, I know this is dramatic. My parents have assured me that I will always have a home with them if we need/want. But I want my own home. Is it too much to ask to be a grown-up and have our own home and a child?
Hubby was military when we first discovered it would be near impossible for us to TTC. IVF was offered but was a huge ordeal--we didn't accept the offer. So 10 years later we were pregnant and miscarried. Finally we became parents 3 years later. In all honesty, I love our son...but I wish I had jumped when we had the chance. Don't feel guilty for moving to the step you want to be on. Be grateful you have the opportunity to do so. Good luck to you, and hello from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty- go with what feels right for you guys!
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. Wishing you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW! DEFINITELY don't feel guilty or like you're jumping the gun. Save yourself whatever heartache you can and jump to the most surefire thing you can. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW and thanks for stopping by my blog!
ReplyDeleteI personally don't believe you need to put in a certain amount of time in each level of TTC. If I could, I would go onto IVF (skipping IUI completely) if it held more promise of success for me but we're not financially ready for that yet. Although, I totally get where you're coming from because I think it's pretty common to have guilt about this journey.
Side note - in response to your comment on my blog, I lost weight reducing/eliminating gluten from my diet. It's in so much, so when you eliminate it you're essentially going on the paleo diet - and it's incredible how much better you feel! However, you do need to eat carbs - it's not a low carb diet - so make sure you consume potatos/rice/corn, etc if you chose to give it a try.
Good luck!
I think most people who were TTC for years and years before doing IVF did so because they didn't have a choice. I also feel sometimes like "we've only been TTC for 17 months, there are many others who are at 3, 5, 10 years on" and it makes me feel like I'm impatient. But why wait when you know that your fertility isn't going to change and you have the means to do it now. I don't think you'll regret it.
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