Day 14. I took a digital HPT to see the words clearly: "not pregnant". I also needed C to see the words, because he was a little dismissive of the early testing.
I feel angry with my body that it didn't pull through. I feel angry with myself that I let myself get too optimistic and hopeful, even cocky at times. Mostly, though, the feelings of anger are masking the more fundamental emotion of fear.
If five mature follicles, a "beautiful" lining, and correctly timed intercourse with normal sperm quality doesn't result in a pregnancy, are we missing something?
How was this possible? What went wrong?
How can we be worrying about the possibility of too many possible embryos and selective reduction in one week, only to find out that not a single egg was fertilized/implanted the next?
Aside from mature follicles, uterine lining, sperm quality, and timing; what other factors can we improve or control (without going on to IVF)?
I think it would have been easier if there was only one follicle. I could tell myself that the egg was just a dud. That happens to everyone. It's normal. But 5 dud eggs?!? I don't get it.
I think the biggest problem is that, in the effort of coping adequately with the impossibly hard time I've had to get my body to ovulate, I've convinced myself of something. I believed that our only problem was anovulation related to the PCOS.
Tubes were checked and cleared. I had a lot of little follicles, ready to mature. Sperm quality/count/motility was not an issue. Everything else appeared to be functioning optimally. The only issue was that my follicles would not grow and then ovulate. Or so I've told myself.
Once we solved this problem, that should be it. That should be our answer. Easy as that. With 5 possible mature eggs and no other issues, this should be a near guarantee. I ignored the stories I heard of others with PCOS that required IVF, that had been trying for 9 years without luck, that ended up adopting. This didn't apply to us, I convinced myself, we only have one small issue.
Now, these creeping thoughts keep finding its way into my conscious. What if it is more than that? What if this isn't going be as easy as fixing one thing? What if this isn't that simple. What if missing something?
I sadly don't have any answers for you- but thats because we had very similar situations. I thought that the IUI's would work since I wasn't ovulating normally and that would be the answer. Then when even the most perfect cycles failed I had the very same questions. I still don''t have answers as to why or more so why not. We are moving forward with IVF. I hope that you guys get the answers you search for, but more than that I pray that 2014 is your year too!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me catch and hold my breath. I know exactly how you feel ... hug yourself hard today and treat yourself with so much kindness. Do everything healing you can possibly think of ... cry, take a bath, shop til you drop, eat chocolate, watch funny movies ... and breathe. Sending you the biggest hugs and wishing you all the best as you recover from this blow.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. Thanks for visiting my blog. I too have PCOS, and I know every situation is so different...some women have success and others don't. It's just so different for everyone. I'm sending positive thoughts your way for the future!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about the negative HPT Katie! I've definitely been where you are… I did an IUI this May with 5 beautiful follicles, and 11+mm lining, and healthy, motile sperm. They gave us the whole multiples talk, and then nothing. Days like this are so hard! Thinking of you and hoping for better days!
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