Day 14. I took a digital HPT to see the words clearly: "not pregnant". I also needed C to see the words, because he was a little dismissive of the early testing.
I feel angry with my body that it didn't pull through. I feel angry with myself that I let myself get too optimistic and hopeful, even cocky at times. Mostly, though, the feelings of anger are masking the more fundamental emotion of fear.
If five mature follicles, a "beautiful" lining, and correctly timed intercourse with normal sperm quality doesn't result in a pregnancy, are we missing something?
How was this possible? What went wrong?
How can we be worrying about the possibility of too many possible embryos and selective reduction in one week, only to find out that not a single egg was fertilized/implanted the next?
Aside from mature follicles, uterine lining, sperm quality, and timing; what other factors can we improve or control (without going on to IVF)?
I think it would have been easier if there was only one follicle. I could tell myself that the egg was just a dud. That happens to everyone. It's normal. But 5 dud eggs?!? I don't get it.
I think the biggest problem is that, in the effort of coping adequately with the impossibly hard time I've had to get my body to ovulate, I've convinced myself of something. I believed that our only problem was anovulation related to the PCOS.
Tubes were checked and cleared. I had a lot of little follicles, ready to mature. Sperm quality/count/motility was not an issue. Everything else appeared to be functioning optimally. The only issue was that my follicles would not grow and then ovulate. Or so I've told myself.
Once we solved this problem, that should be it. That should be our answer. Easy as that. With 5 possible mature eggs and no other issues, this should be a near guarantee. I ignored the stories I heard of others with PCOS that required IVF, that had been trying for 9 years without luck, that ended up adopting. This didn't apply to us, I convinced myself, we only have one small issue.
Now, these creeping thoughts keep finding its way into my conscious. What if it is more than that? What if this isn't going be as easy as fixing one thing? What if this isn't that simple. What if missing something?